Rose Fall

Roses are red, violets are blue; the centre of my world begins and ends with you. Here is where I began in a garden of red roses, somehow all of them still fair in the autumn. Autumn rain where roses fall sliding down the wall called Rose Fall in The Garden of Eve, a green path of grass, with trees filling up the landscape; trees that grew up to the sky and back showering the grassy land with roses. It's here this tale began in the autumn as the rose fell in The Garden of Eve.  I walked and as I walked I came by a mirror framed with gold. This mirror was unlike most, showing me a vision rather than a reflection only this vision began with a blinding light.

What did you see, a man, a beast, a god? No it was only a boy I replied. A boy with wings I added.

Hazelnut eyes, the kind that turn red in the sunlight. Brown curly hair, tanned skin and bronze wings. A demon or a boy I know not instead I look into his eyes both curious and entranced. As only few do he told me that he loved me, ,uttering sweet words with every kiss, a sensation, such as I have never felt before.
                 You can have my heart I said with a kiss and he smiled.

Was I drunk or was I just dreaming about the boy with hazel brown and red? Hazel, brown and red, the colours that took my eyes and in exchange I gave him my heart. Now everything seemed to swirl around me, I could see without seeing, dream without dreaming and feel without feeling. In that moment of it all I started to wonder as I drained from breath was I right to be wrong? Autumn was done though and spring came; it was back to the mirror I saw not just the mirror but a red rose that lay beneath it.

What did you see, a man, a beast, a god?
They were only a boy, here and there but a dream


Brown dry hair and blue eyes, almost the kind of eyes that aren't human; safe and secure. Once more I was lured in not just by their eyes but their way of moving. An embrace I felt safe and with words I drifted away to a place I knew not. You have my heart  I told him but as soon as I said it darkness fell and dragged me back, smashing my head upon the ground.

Gasping for air, clawing at the muddy ground and the ever changing shadows that haunted me. As I stood I saw no mirror just the eerie garden, sending chills down my spine. I froze. A shiver ran down my back and I turned slowly to face Rose Fall only to see blood streaking down the wall and as I saw it I stood in horror. Once more my world spun only this time I felt too much, saw too much, heard too much. It was in that moment I fell once more.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I saw blood dripping and the sky turned dark blue

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
It rained on my parade and now I think I'm... doomed.

The Promise of Love

Will you wait for me where I leave you? I asked and he said with a smile I will because he cared. Just watching his blue enchanting eyes smile that happy smile and as we kissed, his lips so sweet pressed against mine but as I left I ran, running to no end, to the impossible circles that surrounded me. If I leave you where you are, will you wait for me? If I leave you where you are will you be faithful to me, keeping those luring eyes to mine, as if in a single moment is ours and nothing else matters. As I run I wonder, will you keep me safe, will you be safe, there where I left you as the sun touches the earth near the hilly fields by the lake. In the spot where we lied on the green, green grass. pretty soon I will find myself running back to you, I thought in the haste of the moment I deny everything but I love which is true as I saw you sitting there waiting, smiling that happy smile, looking at me with those wonderful eyes. You were right where I left you, waiting for me. in the moment I found my perfection, in the moment I found you, as I ran back into your arms. 'never let go' I said tears, running down my face. 'I will never let go.' he you said 'I will hold you tight, I will never let go I will make you all right. From now until the end of time, I give you my heart, I love you my sweet heart.' ' I love you to.' I said as we laid there where I had left you and will never leave you again.

Cherry Blossoms

Ever since yesterday down in the park whenever I think of him all I can see are cherry blossoms. So strange right? It's not just that though, as well as the cherry blossoms I get a warm, fussy feeling almost like a cocoon; our own little world. Peaceful and almost like a dream but it's so much more than that. Nothing else seems to matter apart from that, apart from him. Thinking about it now I'm certain that I saw it when I was laying with him in a muddy park, underneath the trees, gazing into his oh so brown eyes. It was the perfect day then, despite the fact that before I actually thought that it'll be my last and that I just wanted to cherish every single second of it (as per usual , me wanting to cherish  every second of it, every passing hour, every passing heartbeat. I wanted to cherish it all). That was before that day in the park. Nothing seems to matter is the only thing that keeps on going round and round my mind. Could this all be a really really great dream? I don't know. I'm contemplating whether or not to tell him all this, my vision of what I saw but I don't know. I suppose for now I'll keep it close to my heart until he's ready.

In the end of it all, thinking about it now, I look out into the clear distance and realise as I will keep him close to my heart I will keep this close to my heart to, the dream of dreams, the vision of visions. My dream. In the almost seeming forever I have this, I have a dream.

A Lover's Quarrel

"That's it!" I exclaimed, picking up the exquisite set of blades that lay on the wooden table before me.
"No!" He screamed staggering forward in front of me, blocking my path.
"Get out of my way!" I said sternly, clenching the blades tightly and staring deeply into his brown innocent eyes.
"I can't let you leave." He said his voice faltering almost, the way that it does when someone is trying to make themselves believe that what they're saying is true. There was a time that I would've been like that, a time before the broken part of me would've tried talking myself into hoping but that was before the stone hard truth struck me; the truth  that you can't fix what can't be fixed and not being able to will just drive you insane. There will be no justice, not unless I make it and I planned to.
"He has to pay for what he has done to me otherwise the cycle will just continue. I need my justice, he needs to pay!" I exclaimed.
"And he will but not like this...never like this." He responded, his eyes pleading I could tell, I could always tell when he was pleading.
""Why won't you let me have my justice?" I asked, edging towards the small gap between him and the wall but he must've noticed because he stepped in my way.
"This isn't justice it's vengeance, it's murder!" He exclaimed.
"He'll still get punished." I pointed out, trying to edge towards the gap between him and table but he stepped in front of me again.
"It's still murder!" He snapped back at me. That word murder he spat at it as if poison, as if dirty filth as if he knew the meaning of the word, as if he would've known what it's like to see someone else's life like eyes grow strangely dim, soul escaping their body right before your eyes. Some things are just necessary, a killer like me would always understand that. How could I hope that someone not like me would?
"He won't stop." I said, somehow calmer now, on the verge of crying, craving the tears but they just wouldn't come.
"You can't go around killing people." He said.
"But.." I started to say.
"Please." He interrupted.
"Let me past." I said as calm as possible, a deathly calm, the only calm I had left in me.
"Please." He repeated.
"I'm a killer it's what I do." I muttered.
"Don't do this. There's another way, there is always another way." He urged. I made no answer.
"Just put the blades down please." He said. Once more I  made no answer, staring at the edge of the table.
"For me please." He said and within that moment I looked up into those soft brown eyes that were so filled with innocence. I would've given anything if not for those words for me please ; words that are dear, words that seem so real, especially from his lips. My only vulnerability, my only weakness, words that were enough to calm the fire of my rage. He knew me well.
"Just put the blades down." He said, his voice calm, no longer in contemplation in self belief of his words he'd just spoken  and just like that I placed the blades back on the table. Tears seemed to fill in his eyes but non of them fell. Not even once.
"I love you." He said, another phrase that eased me, another that softened the very depths of my heart.

Our Minds After

After all that's happened why do you still care? That is a question that I have been asking myself after many have asked me the same thing. I am without answer, not even my illogical mind can muster a theory or to and even when it tries to it's not a solid one. "You can't care still unless you still have feelings for him!" My lover exclaimed  with tears in his eyes. "I love you and only you!" I reassured him. He had a point though, how can I care when the one who brings all that pain back brings me so much much pain even still. I shouldn't really but I do. Subconsciously I do but in the forefront I hate. I have a right to! What he has done to me is scarring, I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life because of him. 

He is my sworn enemy but somehow I can stand him. I have been dealing with him for 2 years now, or at least attempting to. It's a never ending cycle between me and him, he does something, I flip or I do something and he flips. Then the rest of it consists of locked arms at each other and gnashing teeth, anyone between us (no matter who they are) gets caught in the firing line and then silence. He tries to figure me out, claiming to know me and I in turn do the only thing that I'm good for. I analyse his behaviour patterns and claim to have his behaviour patterns down and I do but I dare to go deeper, claim to have it down but then I fail. He figures me out and I try to figure out why he does what he does, that's all. That's all it has been, that is all it'll ever be. 

The cycle
The expectation of getting hurt
Somehow our lives are intertwined, somehow it's meant to be this way. 
I know not why or how, destiny or fate I know not. 
Each to their own after OurMindsAfter the storm. 

Master of Judgment

As I stood in the centre of it the stone segments that encased me I saw it all. Every word still unspoken, everything ever written, no; everything I have ever written all came down to something. Something bigger, something braver, something better, something greater than ourselves but then again at the same time I find myself wondering if it's all worth it in the end. Is it really worth it? As a unorthodox writer I like to feel and experience everything that the characters that I write about feel and do. I follow the code of their behaviour patterns and analyse their characteristics like anyone who takes interest in  physiology and sociology. That was my only wish to be able to understand. That was before it happened; before everything I have ever written started to happen. At first it was just pure coincidence and then it just turned into something more than that. I am my own creator and my own master but that's just it...I live in fear of power, I draw away from what power I do obtain. Suddenly I became the prophesier, His chosen one but out of destiny or hell I do not know. Maybe that's a good thing, who knows?

The Fever

There are times when I feel myself falling further and further from sanity, whereas other times I just wonder if all of this was nothing but a bad dream that I'll wake up from. I hope that's the case at least but it almost always ends up in some terrible nightmare that I'll never wake up from. I'm a screw loose, everyone knows that or at least so I lead myself into believing. It's these times of insanity that I envision myself chained up, mouth covered so I can speak no harmful nonsense to anyone within hearing distance. I'm afraid and that image, well nothing scares me more.

You cannot exist in two worlds, you've had a feverish dream I could hear someone telling me but it was all in my head and as I stretched I shivered uncontrollably for a moment. I thought and the heavy gut filled feeling that followed. Something terrible is going to happen today; I can feel it and as always there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Diesel, my dad had always smelt like diesel the last that I had known of him. I remembered hating that stench because with his wondering eyes my head spun, ached and the next thing that I knew the contents of my previous meal was more apparent that it had ever been usually. Just recently this year I have been able to pick up scents of people even when they're not in the room. Does it have anything to do with my dreams; sight and feelings of things that aren't seen to the naked eyes I do not know. In my time I have only had the opportunity to get the scent of my lover, a lover of the past and three more admirers. I've been able to tell so far that everyone's scent apart from my lover's scent are similar although a past lover's scent and one of the admirers are more distinctive, as if somehow acid rain had poured down on powdered spices, mixing it with mud to create their scent. Sometimes, like now it makes me wonder what it all means.

Over the weekend I done some soul searching and I said it how it is as they say to all the people who I have fucked up with or those who have done me wrong. I figured it'll be enough but sometimes I have a feeling that it won't, that there is still more for me to do but what else is there? I didn't want the sins of my past to follow me into next year. What next is there  for me? What other sins do I have to watch out for? What more is there? It's the what if, the not knowing that just runs round and round my head, making me dizzy, making me not think. Again I put on the gag, again I put on the silent mask of misery. "I'm always here for you" people say but will they understand? How can they when they cannot see? I cannot breathe, trapped in my own sway of nausea.

When everything breaks inside my head and the agitated images seem to flicker abruptly, giving me distorted visions of horrors I cannot even begin to explain to anyone. 


                        This is the Fever, this is the end to begin the beginning.