Dare To Be by Dr Devious

Life's a  journey, we make mistakes.
Life's a journey, of give and take.
We open doors, to new adventures.
We open doors, to seek new pleasures.
All our dreams, hopes, ambition.
All our dreams, our best intentions.
Find our way, when the path divides.
Find our way, when it sometimes slides.
Take time, to learn discover.
Take time, to listen to each other.
Every day keep our focus.
Every day forward motion.
Life's a journey, dare to see.
Life's a journey, dare to believe.

Eyes by Dr Devious

Eyes, eyes. They do not lie.
Eyes, eyes. Full of life.
Eyes, eyes. Do not disguise.
Eyes, eyes. Show surprise.
Eyes, eyes. Tears and sorrow.
Eyes, eyes. Explore tomorrow.
Eyes say so much more than words.
Eyes say ' do not be absurd'
Eyes express our deepest thoughts.
Eyes explode, the wettest tears.
Eyes wide open, full of fear.
Eyes like yours, gentle kind.
Eyes that say I'm on your mind.
Eyes with care, enjoy your stare.
Eyes so kind, take me there.
In Your eyes, I see so much.
In Your eyes, feel your touch.
In Your eyes, a gorgeous smile.
In Your eyes, spend all my time.
Eyes wide open, lasting impression.

Dear Reader

So recently I done some networking and got in touch with someone who does poems. For the purpose of privacy and all that jazz he is going to be called Dr Devious.

A Piece of You

I will never understand how something or someone can be there one minute and gone the next, everything all washed up and tidy as if nothing ever happened; as if they never existed at all! One of life's many wonders and yet something about it all lingers, the apparent non existent person lingers if not in physicality than they linger within. Suddenly I can see them, where they were right in front of me as clear as day smiling at me.  Suddenly I can hear them and the feeling of wanting to be with them is unbearable and I find myself reaching out into anything that is there, if only something to hold onto; something to cherish always.

Hurts

What do you do when you love but your lover is surrounded by the grasp of death all around him and it all somehow gets strained on you? What do you do when just as death surrounds, love seems to be the sacrifice? Nobody ever seems to know how to respond, nobody ever teaches you about these things...At the back of my mind I believe that I didn't waste my tender love, another part of me feels nothing but the empty pit of disappointment that swallows me up inside. No hope, barely light, just tear after tear as I fall deeper and deeper in despair in love. It's been this way for months now, within weeks growing further and further restricted. I try to fight this torment but I can't because at the back of my mind I know of love but cannot see it; cannot reach it. 

Oh how has it come to be that I dread my only lover holding me when they say one thing and do another? There is always a reason, always a understanding but never with me it seems. Death takes another one day, death takes a second the next. How can I compete with Death to find the love that I fear is lost to me? For no one can compete with death; nor the tight hold of a dying mother upon their beloved son. Even  life seems to convert my lover with the yells and screams of others pouring through his ears, even when he opens his mouth to speak but no sound comes out. 

My heartbreaks at every tear drop while I wait endlessly for my lover, in the halls, in the rooms, in the streets I see him not. Will he be forever gone to me while I wait in torment of him, for him, in myself as my mind cracks to pieces on the sidelines? No room for me it says, it seems and yet I know not what is or isn't anymore. 

Pain, ever so dying pain feels me as I'm stuck. Each blow the worst, each blow harder than the next to my already shattered heart. My lover never means to hit me and just like he never means to he dodges my blows. This isn't what I deserve...Deserve? You say as if it were meant for me but it's not, I'm not. I know not what I deserve, nor what it means. 

Once more I stand before their raised hand, battered and broken, tear filled and shaken. 'I believe in me and him; I believe that everything I took before wasn't a mistake'. So I let him strike me again and again and again for the thing that I have left, however little is belief. 

Love

Let my lips speak the words I cannot say, let my body express the feelings I cannot display. As my body trembles in your embrace, your gentle hands steady me and I am safe. Safe from the world and all it's pain, safe from the poison that people speak. Safe in your arms I will stay, captivated by your embrace, your soft kisses on my neck and with in the moment of happiness nothing else matters but you. It has always been you and in the moments of us apart my heart breaks, yearning for your smile and those soft brown eyes that make me swoon. A life in you, a light in you, a hope in you, without you I am barren. Can one love you as much as I love you? Can one live without you as much as I cannot live without you? Yet even my soul grows restless without you, crying out your name in the dead of night. Oh how I love you my love..my love for you knows no bounds.

To you my love, my everything I give you all.
If only, if only I see you once more,
If only, if only I see you smile,
If only, if only I touch you just to know that your real.
If only, if only you smile at me once more
Make the pain of the silence fade away...
You make it all fad away...
For your love is cold and my love is warm burning in the eyes of each other.

About a Boy

What does she have that I don't? 
Her pompous bod unwashed, a disgust. Covered by tiny flowers of perfume masking the foul odor. She sweats. The very air that she breathes smoked in tobacco, the spunk of weed steaming from the stem of her rashed skin. Red long hai as if straws, murky and the coal to the fire, matched with the green eyes of mould. 

What does she have that I don't?
A witchlings giggles, a slurred speech as if a venomous snake spitting poison on who they speak. Is i her boast in words but stupidity in speaking those same words without a screen in front of her? Or even the roll of her tongue and disfunction to feel love or even give it? Perhaps it's her soulless being biting into the defects of the helpless minds of others when she herself is broken, defected in mind, helpless to stop it? Yet she attacks it, attacks the mirror image of her defected mind. 

O hypocrite
O bully
O cruel mistress
O cunt
O whore
That witch
That BITCH!

How she kisses, licks, lays with all that possess a heartbeat without a second thought for consequence. The game of bodies and souless affection is the only game she knows how to play. 

But what do I do with the memories oh so distant love of mine? The adventures we had, our first kiss, the words of love, our first date and embrace. Our memories haunting me...Your wonderous smile, your lips. A dream, our dreams I so desperately cling onto in the dead of night. 

You were always there, here/
Always 
Forever 
You promised but broken and now your gone.

You have it all, friends, family, money. You who have it all

I gave my all, 
I bowed,
I lay with you 
I gagged my mouth shut
I have my heart to you and still resigns in you.
You who have it all would go all around the world to find someone who would submit to you when you already have mine at the palm of your hand.


You who have it all
Where did it all go wrong?
You, weak and cruel, never gave it all.
Running away from commitment you hide. 
Drinking their poison chalice you drank deep, 
                                                                                      Deep

                                                                                                       Deep 

                                                                                                                       Deep
Into the rage, blame, vile notions that planted root to your thoughts. I was to blame but not all. My need too great, my fear caged me to cage you and we burned. We turned but you ran. Not I but you took it all and I fell the fall, fool to your violent touch. 
Threaten me once
Threaten me twice
Threaten me thrice
Lie 
After lie
After lie
I died and died twice more over.
For you I died.
Forced to fall, forced to die yet still I love which makes us the hardest of all.

What became of the boy in blue with the dragon tattoo that I knew?
The boy of smiles.
The boy of love
Now desperate to undo 'I love you'
In desperation silence
My confinement
Only a boy too cruel they try to manipulate words to break my love, break me to be with that. 

How dare you yell
Threaten
Laugh
Break your word; our dreams
You know I wait for you to come back to me, to us, to love, to truth.
I wait and I love but you play and then you don't.
You bring doom but I stay for you
Die for you 
Kill for you
Frozen by you whilst you beat me slow, carried  my soul and dropped me into shadow. With discriminative words you pour onto me; into my mind of the colour I am not, the weight I am not, the looks I have not. 

You who had it all
You who I see without the shadows of people, I see only you. 
You who desires love yet you have mine wholeheartedly.
You who needed belief, I believe in you. 
A soul for your heartless soul you asked for, the blade of a key and I ran to hell to retrieve it for you. 
You have it all
I have nothing 
You have it all 
I lost

You who have it all 
Have all of me
You who have it all...but your just a boy.
You were my boy
You loved in lies
You who have everything but know nothing at all of love.
Love is kind, patient, it hurts.
Beyond the body, beyond the fear. 
Love is to die for the way I died for you in death. 
You, who have everything...but your just a boy not yet a man. 

Different Ways

My anger flared. I couldn't take it anymore, I'd had enough. She walked past me almost zombie like, her previous idle wave at me with those dead stone green eyes. I hated it but despite it all I somehow seemed to keep my anger in check. I was not her friend, I was anything but her friend and just because I just so happened to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time certainly doesn't mean I will not stop acknowledging her existence. Somehow it didn't bother me as much as I would have thought that senseless rage finally became cold. As if a shadow had passed over me, much like the shadow I had become for months now. I'd been slipping around each corner, using my back routes, avoiding people all for the sake of becoming the shadow I near enough felt all the time. Never seen, never heard, barely even worth a once over. As conspicuous as ever, that's the life that I live now; where not a single place is safe, at least not anymore. I remember a time it wasn't always like this, a time where it was safe to go anywhere without being cornered by the very thing that makes this place unsafe. Obscured morale people. The similar tugging of caution beckoned me as I down, the same caution that warily warned me about the door where the obscurities were. This time I ignored it and let my mind drift into nothingness.

I remember...I remember a time it was safe I thought sadly sinking into the stillness of the rare blank page that struck my very mind.

An Ending

There was nothing that she could do or say that could even help no one to help her and the cries of pain that she felt each and every night as she cried herself to sleep alone in the dark the pain was still there but they weren't. They were with another girl, a replacement. What more could she do? So she simply stopped doing things, she stopped speaking things and before long she stopped doing everything because this was the end for her, this was it. That's when she stopped breathing to.

Heartache Love

I met you in the dark, you lit me up

I know I needed you

But I never showed

I wanna dance with you right now

You make me feel this way somehow

I needed you most

I'm gonna love you till

My lungs give out

I promise till death we part like in our vows

 

 

I remember when you were all mine

Watched you changing in front of my eyes

Will you call me to tell me you're alright?

'Cause I worry about you the whole night

Don't leave me this way; I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

All I know is I can't live without you

Darling, I could never live without you

 

Baby, I'm not made of stone, it hurts

Loving you the way I do, it hurts

When all that's left to do is watch it burn

 

Stuck in this dead end

 

FIGHT!!

 

You could've chose anybody but you chose me

Hiding in bedsits cause no one around us agrees

And I feel romantic cause since morning I've been at the wine

Every night when I wake up I need you to get back to sleep

They don't like me but they and I never speak

 

I never wanna lose you…

Stay with me…

Stay with me…

Stay with me..

 

And all the chemicals and alcohol make for a volatile love

But stay with me

Just stay with me

Aside my heart

In my heart I have none, only a heart for I gave my charred heart to a part of me. I will die a thousand times for him, i will; as a child, hang on their every word for instruction only the instructions are rarely given. I never wondered until now, the void at the back of my embrace that I give off. If it’s, me or him, for it's not what you see in movies or books, nor TV shows or even games. The love of the heart is harder, distant yet translucent kind of hold to reach. Where two hearts are supposed to belong to each other; two hearts connect as one.

 

He hurt my heart, knowing that I will not kill what's inside of me for him. Not when once i once gave my all to another before they let me die. Yet I am hurt still, knowing what I know, seeing the many broken shadows that confirm it all for me. Love me, marry me and yet if life takes a hold in me they would forsaken my love, burn my heart and cast me into the eternal fire to kill it. Why should I be made to feel this way? To kill or be abandoned, left to die in an unkind world. My mind floods with shadows of my past, hiding behind my mother; a world without a father. I shall not kill; i will not be my mother...

 

Love; two hearts connected as one, a heartbeat per second...Time will tell nothing, sight will not see and word will not carry. I love my lover; i would die a thousand times over for him. He has my heart, I have his; we embrace, we make love. Love when will you connect he and I? Is it he or I that stand discorded? Or is it the silent blade that stands between us both?

Dear All Readers

Dear All Readers,

I've made a survey that I'd like you complete, just so I can get some idea of the future for this blog. If anyone has already taken the survey then they don't need to do it again, this is only for the people who haven't yet taken the survey and would like to. I have the link for it right here: https://surveyplanet.com/572f785d340263736337fb46

Kind Regards
The Author of this blog

Fated Alone

I can see them in the distance and in forefront of my mind. I can hear them in a dream and when they're just standing right in front of me. I can feel him in my dreams of day and I can smell then in the air. Such a strong, faintly hereby and yet no where near as much. Reminding me of him, reminding me of us. I open my eyes and today he is gone and what was had been and gone. He never showed his face today and when he did I could not speak to him, passing our separate ways. 

My mind silent, I watched with owl like eyes at everyone else's attain. It's then that I realised I am without, it is he alone that I talk to. In my heart I let that go and like an owl I hide back until the night bloomed again. I must I thought to myself, I haven't anything else left, not for a girl like me and my million books to read. I must.

Back to the days where words were my friend,

Back to the silent owl eyes in broad of day,

As if a lone wolf I must stay.

Rose Fall

Roses are red, violets are blue; the centre of my world begins and ends with you. Here is where I began in a garden of red roses, somehow all of them still fair in the autumn. Autumn rain where roses fall sliding down the wall called Rose Fall in The Garden of Eve, a green path of grass, with trees filling up the landscape; trees that grew up to the sky and back showering the grassy land with roses. It's here this tale began in the autumn as the rose fell in The Garden of Eve.  I walked and as I walked I came by a mirror framed with gold. This mirror was unlike most, showing me a vision rather than a reflection only this vision began with a blinding light.

What did you see, a man, a beast, a god? No it was only a boy I replied. A boy with wings I added.

Hazelnut eyes, the kind that turn red in the sunlight. Brown curly hair, tanned skin and bronze wings. A demon or a boy I know not instead I look into his eyes both curious and entranced. As only few do he told me that he loved me, ,uttering sweet words with every kiss, a sensation, such as I have never felt before.
                 You can have my heart I said with a kiss and he smiled.

Was I drunk or was I just dreaming about the boy with hazel brown and red? Hazel, brown and red, the colours that took my eyes and in exchange I gave him my heart. Now everything seemed to swirl around me, I could see without seeing, dream without dreaming and feel without feeling. In that moment of it all I started to wonder as I drained from breath was I right to be wrong? Autumn was done though and spring came; it was back to the mirror I saw not just the mirror but a red rose that lay beneath it.

What did you see, a man, a beast, a god?
They were only a boy, here and there but a dream


Brown dry hair and blue eyes, almost the kind of eyes that aren't human; safe and secure. Once more I was lured in not just by their eyes but their way of moving. An embrace I felt safe and with words I drifted away to a place I knew not. You have my heart  I told him but as soon as I said it darkness fell and dragged me back, smashing my head upon the ground.

Gasping for air, clawing at the muddy ground and the ever changing shadows that haunted me. As I stood I saw no mirror just the eerie garden, sending chills down my spine. I froze. A shiver ran down my back and I turned slowly to face Rose Fall only to see blood streaking down the wall and as I saw it I stood in horror. Once more my world spun only this time I felt too much, saw too much, heard too much. It was in that moment I fell once more.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I saw blood dripping and the sky turned dark blue

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
It rained on my parade and now I think I'm... doomed.

The Promise of Love

Will you wait for me where I leave you? I asked and he said with a smile I will because he cared. Just watching his blue enchanting eyes smile that happy smile and as we kissed, his lips so sweet pressed against mine but as I left I ran, running to no end, to the impossible circles that surrounded me. If I leave you where you are, will you wait for me? If I leave you where you are will you be faithful to me, keeping those luring eyes to mine, as if in a single moment is ours and nothing else matters. As I run I wonder, will you keep me safe, will you be safe, there where I left you as the sun touches the earth near the hilly fields by the lake. In the spot where we lied on the green, green grass. pretty soon I will find myself running back to you, I thought in the haste of the moment I deny everything but I love which is true as I saw you sitting there waiting, smiling that happy smile, looking at me with those wonderful eyes. You were right where I left you, waiting for me. in the moment I found my perfection, in the moment I found you, as I ran back into your arms. 'never let go' I said tears, running down my face. 'I will never let go.' he you said 'I will hold you tight, I will never let go I will make you all right. From now until the end of time, I give you my heart, I love you my sweet heart.' ' I love you to.' I said as we laid there where I had left you and will never leave you again.

Cherry Blossoms

Ever since yesterday down in the park whenever I think of him all I can see are cherry blossoms. So strange right? It's not just that though, as well as the cherry blossoms I get a warm, fussy feeling almost like a cocoon; our own little world. Peaceful and almost like a dream but it's so much more than that. Nothing else seems to matter apart from that, apart from him. Thinking about it now I'm certain that I saw it when I was laying with him in a muddy park, underneath the trees, gazing into his oh so brown eyes. It was the perfect day then, despite the fact that before I actually thought that it'll be my last and that I just wanted to cherish every single second of it (as per usual , me wanting to cherish  every second of it, every passing hour, every passing heartbeat. I wanted to cherish it all). That was before that day in the park. Nothing seems to matter is the only thing that keeps on going round and round my mind. Could this all be a really really great dream? I don't know. I'm contemplating whether or not to tell him all this, my vision of what I saw but I don't know. I suppose for now I'll keep it close to my heart until he's ready.

In the end of it all, thinking about it now, I look out into the clear distance and realise as I will keep him close to my heart I will keep this close to my heart to, the dream of dreams, the vision of visions. My dream. In the almost seeming forever I have this, I have a dream.

A Lover's Quarrel

"That's it!" I exclaimed, picking up the exquisite set of blades that lay on the wooden table before me.
"No!" He screamed staggering forward in front of me, blocking my path.
"Get out of my way!" I said sternly, clenching the blades tightly and staring deeply into his brown innocent eyes.
"I can't let you leave." He said his voice faltering almost, the way that it does when someone is trying to make themselves believe that what they're saying is true. There was a time that I would've been like that, a time before the broken part of me would've tried talking myself into hoping but that was before the stone hard truth struck me; the truth  that you can't fix what can't be fixed and not being able to will just drive you insane. There will be no justice, not unless I make it and I planned to.
"He has to pay for what he has done to me otherwise the cycle will just continue. I need my justice, he needs to pay!" I exclaimed.
"And he will but not like this...never like this." He responded, his eyes pleading I could tell, I could always tell when he was pleading.
""Why won't you let me have my justice?" I asked, edging towards the small gap between him and the wall but he must've noticed because he stepped in my way.
"This isn't justice it's vengeance, it's murder!" He exclaimed.
"He'll still get punished." I pointed out, trying to edge towards the gap between him and table but he stepped in front of me again.
"It's still murder!" He snapped back at me. That word murder he spat at it as if poison, as if dirty filth as if he knew the meaning of the word, as if he would've known what it's like to see someone else's life like eyes grow strangely dim, soul escaping their body right before your eyes. Some things are just necessary, a killer like me would always understand that. How could I hope that someone not like me would?
"He won't stop." I said, somehow calmer now, on the verge of crying, craving the tears but they just wouldn't come.
"You can't go around killing people." He said.
"But.." I started to say.
"Please." He interrupted.
"Let me past." I said as calm as possible, a deathly calm, the only calm I had left in me.
"Please." He repeated.
"I'm a killer it's what I do." I muttered.
"Don't do this. There's another way, there is always another way." He urged. I made no answer.
"Just put the blades down please." He said. Once more I  made no answer, staring at the edge of the table.
"For me please." He said and within that moment I looked up into those soft brown eyes that were so filled with innocence. I would've given anything if not for those words for me please ; words that are dear, words that seem so real, especially from his lips. My only vulnerability, my only weakness, words that were enough to calm the fire of my rage. He knew me well.
"Just put the blades down." He said, his voice calm, no longer in contemplation in self belief of his words he'd just spoken  and just like that I placed the blades back on the table. Tears seemed to fill in his eyes but non of them fell. Not even once.
"I love you." He said, another phrase that eased me, another that softened the very depths of my heart.

Our Minds After

After all that's happened why do you still care? That is a question that I have been asking myself after many have asked me the same thing. I am without answer, not even my illogical mind can muster a theory or to and even when it tries to it's not a solid one. "You can't care still unless you still have feelings for him!" My lover exclaimed  with tears in his eyes. "I love you and only you!" I reassured him. He had a point though, how can I care when the one who brings all that pain back brings me so much much pain even still. I shouldn't really but I do. Subconsciously I do but in the forefront I hate. I have a right to! What he has done to me is scarring, I'm going to have to deal with it for the rest of my life because of him. 

He is my sworn enemy but somehow I can stand him. I have been dealing with him for 2 years now, or at least attempting to. It's a never ending cycle between me and him, he does something, I flip or I do something and he flips. Then the rest of it consists of locked arms at each other and gnashing teeth, anyone between us (no matter who they are) gets caught in the firing line and then silence. He tries to figure me out, claiming to know me and I in turn do the only thing that I'm good for. I analyse his behaviour patterns and claim to have his behaviour patterns down and I do but I dare to go deeper, claim to have it down but then I fail. He figures me out and I try to figure out why he does what he does, that's all. That's all it has been, that is all it'll ever be. 

The cycle
The expectation of getting hurt
Somehow our lives are intertwined, somehow it's meant to be this way. 
I know not why or how, destiny or fate I know not. 
Each to their own after OurMindsAfter the storm. 

Master of Judgment

As I stood in the centre of it the stone segments that encased me I saw it all. Every word still unspoken, everything ever written, no; everything I have ever written all came down to something. Something bigger, something braver, something better, something greater than ourselves but then again at the same time I find myself wondering if it's all worth it in the end. Is it really worth it? As a unorthodox writer I like to feel and experience everything that the characters that I write about feel and do. I follow the code of their behaviour patterns and analyse their characteristics like anyone who takes interest in  physiology and sociology. That was my only wish to be able to understand. That was before it happened; before everything I have ever written started to happen. At first it was just pure coincidence and then it just turned into something more than that. I am my own creator and my own master but that's just it...I live in fear of power, I draw away from what power I do obtain. Suddenly I became the prophesier, His chosen one but out of destiny or hell I do not know. Maybe that's a good thing, who knows?

The Fever

There are times when I feel myself falling further and further from sanity, whereas other times I just wonder if all of this was nothing but a bad dream that I'll wake up from. I hope that's the case at least but it almost always ends up in some terrible nightmare that I'll never wake up from. I'm a screw loose, everyone knows that or at least so I lead myself into believing. It's these times of insanity that I envision myself chained up, mouth covered so I can speak no harmful nonsense to anyone within hearing distance. I'm afraid and that image, well nothing scares me more.

You cannot exist in two worlds, you've had a feverish dream I could hear someone telling me but it was all in my head and as I stretched I shivered uncontrollably for a moment. I thought and the heavy gut filled feeling that followed. Something terrible is going to happen today; I can feel it and as always there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Diesel, my dad had always smelt like diesel the last that I had known of him. I remembered hating that stench because with his wondering eyes my head spun, ached and the next thing that I knew the contents of my previous meal was more apparent that it had ever been usually. Just recently this year I have been able to pick up scents of people even when they're not in the room. Does it have anything to do with my dreams; sight and feelings of things that aren't seen to the naked eyes I do not know. In my time I have only had the opportunity to get the scent of my lover, a lover of the past and three more admirers. I've been able to tell so far that everyone's scent apart from my lover's scent are similar although a past lover's scent and one of the admirers are more distinctive, as if somehow acid rain had poured down on powdered spices, mixing it with mud to create their scent. Sometimes, like now it makes me wonder what it all means.

Over the weekend I done some soul searching and I said it how it is as they say to all the people who I have fucked up with or those who have done me wrong. I figured it'll be enough but sometimes I have a feeling that it won't, that there is still more for me to do but what else is there? I didn't want the sins of my past to follow me into next year. What next is there  for me? What other sins do I have to watch out for? What more is there? It's the what if, the not knowing that just runs round and round my head, making me dizzy, making me not think. Again I put on the gag, again I put on the silent mask of misery. "I'm always here for you" people say but will they understand? How can they when they cannot see? I cannot breathe, trapped in my own sway of nausea.

When everything breaks inside my head and the agitated images seem to flicker abruptly, giving me distorted visions of horrors I cannot even begin to explain to anyone. 


                        This is the Fever, this is the end to begin the beginning.