Solider

My Notes

It's been a while since I've written anything on here, a LOT has happened. Most of which will inspire what I have written and will eventually be published on here for all of you to read. As per usual be prepared for some deep stuff and as always happy reading people!

;)

There is war written chaos everywhere I look, nothing but devastation surrounds me. A man is standing over me, hand outstretched towards me, I reach over towards his hand but I hesitate. I can't trust him...or at least that is what my mind is saying but my body is saying something different because I eventually grasp his hand as he pulls me up from the rain ridden, muddy ground. What have I just done? I'm numb and the surging anguish from my wounds hurts me like hell, all wounds including my own self inflicted ones are pulsing, scarring my entire body. He doesn't know that though...how could he when I haven't even told him? He's a man but then again he's just a boy playing in an adults game of cards, the cards of war and (like all of us) we're the children of war only...I'm not a solider. He hands me a quiver and bow, properly thinking that it'll be of some use to me at some point.

"You'll need these." He states bluntly and I'm once agin reminded of how close it feels as if I'm talking to an unanimated object.  I don't answer, astounded by how he can even in the slightest way compel himself to think that I can even come close to being ready to use these instruments of war and fight ever again. Battered, bruised and broken as I am now. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't ready, that it'll be a very long time until I can ever come close to  being ready to fight ever again only...the words escaped me, like they always seem to be doing these last days of mine. As always I thought, I'm running out of words before even having the time to think it, to feel it, to live it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qQX7OYpR-4

Home

Do you remember where you came from? Where your feet laid first? Do you remember the feel of the earth beneath your feet where you took your first few steps, do you remember how hard the earth felt  when you fell? Do you remember the feel of it when you ran speeding past everyone and anyone as you raced your best friend home? Do you remember?

Do you remember the sound of the air as the ocean's waves carried you upon the safety of the wooden boat that drifted gently upon the water? Do you remember the taste of salted fish and even slated seaweed downed by the  filling taste of coconut water? Do you remember how beautiful the sun looked shinning it's colour filled rays upon the sun kissed ocean? Do  you remember how at peace everything looked when drizzled on by the winter snow in the star light nights? And do you remember how angelic everything looked in the whiteness of a cold winter when the sunrise touched it....well that was something special wasn't it? Do you remember that? Do you remember how you left your home looking back at the red stoned houses, the wooden tree woven huts, the palm leaves swaying in the sun, the golden sand twinkling in the daylight, the seagulls flying in the air? Do you remember the tranquil ocean's waves swaying back and forth. Do you even remember the promise that you made about how you'll go back there, to the place where it all began; back to the place where you came from and that you'll never forget? Do you even remember that?
Do you remember...remember home.

The Hunt And The Hunted

"If you live then I will hunt you down, not a single place will be safe and they'll be nowhere that you can run where I won't find you and hurt you. Then you will die and I'll make you suffer a slow and painful death." The beast snarled.
"If I live then I live and if I die then my death will be my victory." I said, my voice echoing but it wasn't my voice that was speaking it was the voice of God!


Before when the mistake was made and time was set backwards to relive this moment in time almost as if flashes that jolted into the body of one's memory and in a way it did because I was there again, watching it all replay it's self back to me....

"You had one decision; you had one choice!" I shouted.
"...and I made it!" He shouted back at me.
"No you chose pain when I offered you a choice between that, the inevitable and a saving grace!" I explained.
"You had a choice!" I added in a scream, maybe then he'll hear me then.
"I made my decision!" He asked "It's not my fault that you can't deal with it."
"... but you chose the wrong one and I tried to warn you time and time again about what will happen as a consequence but instead of mercy you choice pain!" I continued.
"Speechless?" I asked him, striking a blow right to the core.
"Well you should be." I concluded, when he didn't answer. That's when I left him and I never looked back!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAPzk2xDgaE

What is love?

My Notes

Okay, so this one is mainly consisting of type quotes...you'll see what I mean when you read on (and you will, it's that tempting) and now you're already wondering what comes next aren't you? Well read on and you'll find out, that is my only advice to you!
;)

I saw a guy  from amongst the crowd of people, he was searching for something; for someone.I could tell as I watched him relentlessly trying to find that something; that someone...little did they know....little did they understand...but few know most of the meanings of life. I am one of those few, a watcher of the Wall, the edge of life as we know it...for everything has a purpose in this life, a cycle in which we all grasp tightly to. Hope and love. It is for that matter, of love, that I tell this tale of lessons learnt; lessons that I've learnt even at a young age as I am.

 This is the lesson:

"You don't find love it is love that finds you. Sure we try to look for it but it's love that chooses us just as much as we chose and acknowledge love, it's a choice to believe and hope in love. Oh love, is the purest of things when you find it! That kind of love waits and it endures, that's what love is. You love them for who and what they are, for all of them, everything about them, the good, the bad; all of it because that's what you do when you love someone truly, deeply enough to the extent that you're willing to take that leap of faith and to trust in love. For  you will look back but then you forget the past and look further than you have done ever before with that love. Then you become willing to embrace all of them and you do not let go, not even for a second of careful re-examination analysis or even consideration because in the end you endure for as long as that love will take you. It's unconditional. That, my friend, is love, all of it, the very essence of it. That is what everyone looks for but only few find."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJTXDCh2YiA

My Valentine: How They Are The Reason

This time the start is the ending and I call it, no I dedicate this one to him. This one's for him! And so I will begin as I ended all around and henceforth from this point of where it all began, the point of no return....

I fell in love twice in this life, the first time it was in adoration and awe towards someone who could never be mine but despite that fact I'd hope and pray that I'd have enough courage to tell him how I felt; how I had always felt for him then. However it was never to be and like how all things must end so did this in the form of 'other things that go in the way'. Time pulled us apart until the only thing that was left were the fond memories of my passible hopes and dreams of the day that could've been when I finally told him that I'd loved him. Still I'd hope and pray that God would bring us back together, that I would get more time with him in a crossed path in this life... That love I had to let go but as if a scar it still has an embedment of fond memories in my mind, soul and in my heart. Sometimes, from what I've learnt that is, it's better not to let them know.


After that I never thought that I would love another again but then I did. The main thing that shocked me and caused me to be at awe with this love was how they saw me in a way that no one else did. This love actually loved me back, me and no one else, even the thought  of it made my heart skip a beat. Breathless, I was breathless indeed! No one ever saw me, no one ever wanted me and no one ever loved me like he did (literally no one ever paid me a second thought). They were the other half of me, a dependency, a friend and a lover, a comforter and a strength. Together I felt safe with him holding me, stepping out of my comfort zone more and more,  love exhaling within weeks until all we could ever do was think about what awaited us in the future together, side by side and whole. Each and everyday with him was a oh so sweet dream, one that I never wanted to up from...but then it ended and I fell hard to the ground because of it. I wake up. My love for him surpassed all of that and with my feelings for them that surpassed all idea of love, it was love. This love left me with unexplained questions and answers, intentions, confusion and pain; oh so much pain. He left me with words, understanding and misunderstandings, belief, distance, changing, embarrassment and after that a rebound. I can't deny that I hurt him to with a betrayal but only at the point of trying to keep  surviving! Now I watch him everyday in worry because I still care, despite the harsh words and actions that are intended at me whether it be purposed consciously or subconsciously it still is. So I live now awake, remembering and putting myself out there for one who I fear I've lost completely but what can I do? I live by a saying and that is to keep my promises so when I promised that I would stay with him I kept my promise, I was loyal, even when he broke it because that's what you do when you love someone that much I've learnt that sometimes it's better to be the one who gets denied then to be the one who denies another.



Everyone  keeps on telling me that I need to get angry with what they done to me and in a way I am,  but I'm trying to understand ; I'm still trying to understand; I'm still trying to protect him. He has caused me so much pain but he has caused me so much joy even still, I'm not angry, I'm just confused but one thing remains the same and that is despite all this I still love him and that won't ever just go away, not for a while now and to be brutally honest I wouldn't want that love for him to go away. I will remain unbroken in my love for him and I will remain the peacemaker trying to make the peace of it all for as long as I can survive all the knives that are being thrown at me. That is my strength, that is my bravery, that is my love!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7hKXYSoyQI

Sun Rays and Starlight

My Notes

 This one is for him!

I sat upon the very top of the swing watching the birds as they went by, watching the sunset rise and the evening sky a blur of diverse colours, all but everything but beautiful, reading the clouds and the sweet song like messages that were to me meant something (and still do). Resting both of my hands I held tightly onto the frozen iron that held the swing all together and I looked own, the wind beating on my chest as if to push me down but I never fell, my body too atuned to these type of circumstances to be bothered by it. Panic rose in me, reminding me of my fear of heights and falling onto the rough solid ground, so much so that my face throbbed as I gazed down below me, looking at how my feet hung a long way off the comfort and safety of the ground. I looked up. Relief took me then, taking all the panic away from me then and there in that moment I was lost in a founded joy that beckoned me. Memories of better days, a tear fell down my cheek, not a sorrow filled one but one that I would cherish, causing me to venture into the sight of it; the memory. I was there then. I remember this place, me and him used to come here when we were kids (even though we're both still kids as we all are in a way). We used to watch the skies together, reading them, counting the stars, just sitting and waiting on eternity to come on a day we knew not when so we waited. Sitting there in each other's company, his arm wrapped behind me we saw the world differently than all the rest, we saw every single Light that He put on this earth, we felt every single sense that there was and we thrived.

It's cold today, a brisk wind as cold as ice swaying  through the air but come night or day, rain or snow  I would always find a way back to this place, our special place. Everything is so much clearer here, everything that much simpler.
"Abigail." A voice called out from behind me and I had only but to turn my head ever so slightly to see that it was my sister who'd come out to see me. They looked cold, so was I once when I first came out here but I'd been outside for a whole that you don't actually feel the cold anymore but the warmth of the unseen Light that was reigning down over me. Fortunately only I saw and felt that Light and so would he to if he was here but he was elsewhere, venturing out there in the world I suppose but he'll be back; he always came back.
"Just a minute." I answered before climbing carefully off the swing, taking their hand as they left me through the dark, towards the beacon of artificial Light inside the  house. We reached the door and that's when I took that moment to turn back to towards the glorious Light breaking through the night's sky. Turning back I squinted and entered back into the house, back to the choas of it all but no matter what I'll always remember that Light and it will not be forgotten, not ever for until the end of time I will always remember that Light...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjGvBpgrwb8&index=6&list=PLIICrnu6aFdcWV8NJzy1AVzBGt-cMCU-e

A Divided Hope

Where I'm from we have a saying, I know not where part of my home that it comes from, I know not even who said it only that it is this:

There was this wall, a girl was on the other side of the wall and a boy on the other side of a that same wall, a partition that separated them both from each other.
"I love you my love, my dearest, my sweet." The girl called out to him in her native tongue.
"I love you my love, my darling your my everything, your my all!" The boy replied in English because he couldn't speak in the girl's native tongue.
"I miss you my darling, I wish that you were here." The girl called out to him once more in her tongue.
"I miss you more my love, I think of you everyday." The boy replied, again in English because he didn't speak her tongue.
"Come find me my love, tear this wall down before it breaks." The girl called out to him once more in her tongue.
"Oh I will." The boy replied in English because he couldn't speak her native tongue.
""I will." The girl called out to him in her native tongue crying out with joy as he pushed but behind that wall she pulled and was put even further away. He pushed and she pulled, all the while she sang to him as he pushed and played.
"Come to me my love, come to me." The girl called to him in her native tongue. Little did the boy know that the girl behind the wall was actually saying pull me closer  my love for this wall is crushing me to my death, oh how the word crushed the word crushes me. The boy didn't understand what the girl was saying, he said sweet things but when she needed him the most to prove that he loved her he pulled away. It was hope alone that made her to survive and it was the hope alone that killed her because he didn't hope enough to save her and thus it ended all in a Divided Hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaMq2nn5ac0&index=2&list=FLIu3v6DuA-sB8Y66RPJ7bpQ