A Confliction

My Notes

I decided to go with bit of a strange angle with this one and once again, like in the 'Confusion' one that I done, I had no idea where I actually was going with this one but here goes nothing!

Happy Reading people!
:)


Where do I begin or rather how do I begin something as strange as this? So much so that I find myself wondering where did it all begin, by God of course but still I wonder how? What purpose is this? I close my eyes and I can see his face, I can hear his voice; a voice that is a year older than it should be but that's the thing when normally I concern myself with age and title with him I don't. What's wrong with me? I blink and within a blink of an eye I can sense him close and I hope that I don't shiver and I don't but my hands do, ever so slightly, as he cups my hands into his. I can't focus on anything by how I can sense him, hear him within my mind like a magnet drawing into it's attraction and above all this I don't fail myself in any way but in my hands, a slight shaky movement fumbling on the simplest of things and I can't stop it much. In this I can't help but ask myself what's wrong with me? I can speak freely and easily with him, there's something about him that entwines so close to me in a way that I can't help but notice it, acknowledge it and think about it more and more. I smile about how easy it is to be like this, whatever this is and what's it's like to be like this.  This that I don't know but now I see it, I dream it and a part of me wants to run as fast as I can to nowhere in particular, in fact I urge to, just to run for the sake of running into his arms, of into another person's arms or to He who gave me him. I would've normally run before but I somehow I defy the urging to and I worry that the fire of a spark that's sparking inside of me will burn and that when it does it'll catch fire to him and then we'll both burn together, too fast and too soon. I've never felt recognised in the way that I do with him, I've never been like this in all the 17 years that I've been living, more so I've never been this close before; too close as it is to anyone me who is in fact unrecognisable with it and it takes all my heart and my mind and all my will power not to yield to the flashes of him who passes my mind in a prayer and as I smile constantly smiling in this happiness. I try not to think about it but I do, it's always there at the back of my mind as if a part of me and I can't help it, I don't stop it either and how can I when they're all I see and when he's so close that he might as well be here with me, right this second, in this moment. Someone near, somewhere clear and someone with a sense of meaning.



There's another who passes my mind, who's face I can never forget, to who I will never forget but who is just so far away from me so I wait, I pray, I hope and I plead to him all the words that are unspoken but he doesn't see, he forgets and only I am the one left seeing and believing and hoping in the now vivid spec of his love in exchange for my heart. I endure as long as I can 'because that's what you do when you love someone, that's what you do when you love someone so much that you wait, that you pray, that you believe, that you hope and that you wield the strength to go on another day; to live and not to die or waste away but to in fact remember. I hope and I speak of my hope, in all the little ways that I do but our link is weak and withers day by day in distance and he changes but I've changed to, we both have. This is my confliction, to know the reassuring touch of another, who notices or to hope for another who doesn't remember, both being separated by distance, by the threads of life that just pass each other but by Him entwine around me. What do I do? What can I do really? Pushing the thoughts of him with the reassuring touch out of my mind, I can't and to him who I remember and will never ever forget, enough to fight for, enough to wait for and I will never waste that away from him; I will never ever do that.


I smile and then I cry, longing for something not seen but seen and confusion takes control of me, a reassuring hand revives me and I'm well again, the once formed swelling sickness vanishes and I can walk again; I can think again (if only for a moment). Everything screams decide, everything has changed and I wonder what will become of me.

Remember Me

My Notes

Here's a little piece from the series that I'm planning to write. Hope you all like it. Enjoy!
:)

Remember me before I fall,
Before the tunnel's light darkens and there is only one light out.
Remember me as I was and nothing more, nothing less.
Remember me before I go to be.

Remember me when I fall,
And how you would remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
But remember Him who died and rose again
He who died and rose again for me.

Remember me
Who I was and could've been
Remember Him
Remember me in the way that you remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
Remember, Remember, Remember
Before I fall
                    When I fall
                                       After I'm cold and alone
Remember,remember me when I'm dead.

Visor

My sight grows stronger and I find myself spending more and more time unconsciousness   than I do in my conscious state, feeling myself blinking but finding it harder and harder to get out of that subconscious state. When I dream I never get like this much but only when I see I do. It's like I'm sinking deeper and deeper more and more further gone until what will happen if I just let go and if I, in turn, sink deeper and deeper out of consciousness. Will I die? It's like how they said in the second film/book of Narnia, the inevitable question of what'll happen if the  main characters died in Narnia and not in their own world.  In the same way I ask the unanswered question of what if I sink in too deeply in one state rather than the other; what if I stay too far on the subconscious side then conscious? No one knows but still I ask and I wonder what if?

Infected Changed

I start to wonder what's happened to me, when I find myself being led by myself towards the very thing that the constitution makes that I hate and I wonder why. Why am I smiling? Why am I laughing when I know that those good memories can't be relied upon, when those people who make me happy can still be relied on but they can also turn? How do you know when you've already said too much or spoken too much to someone? How do you even know whether or not your truly happy when do you know truly? I wonder and I worry and I get scared again, because I'm human, because that's how I am, because that's  how we all are, because I'm just a girl infected by the concept of change. Change, that's what this is and I'm infected, I have changed and I'm worried and I'm scared about what I could be, about what I could become. I mean what does one become when infected by change, when second guessing everything and anything or when a prayer becomes no longer a prayer but a cry, no a plead to the Lord our God, our Sovereign Saviour to hear me? What will I become? Who will I become? This is change, this is what it's like to be infected  by change, like a curse, like a plague and like a disease. I've started smiling more, I've started laughing more, I've started talking ,more differently and thinking a lot about a little, about someone in a romantic way, about something and I wonder. This is change and this is the season that has changed and I have to live with it; I have to be in it! This is Infected Change.

I Fall

The girl swayed, the persistent wind pushing up her back again, threatening a fall the way that it had last time as if pushing her towards the tips of the unsteady platform that she stood on. The girl held her ground staring down towards the height of the fall and her imminent fate that she knew could come soon but for now at least she done all that she could to stand firm and tall, still looking, still waiting until her fall. To love or to break that was the question, to breath or to drown that was the question and to live or to die that was also the question. What will she chose? She had neither answer or choice in the matter, hope failing her she had only despair, that was all that she had. 'It's madness' they would say and it was she knew, she almost lost her mind and all of her sanity, almost but however she didn't. She was still here though, on one of the tallest skyscrapers that was known to man staring out towards the city and the pointed buildings of New York that reached so high towards the Heavens but never seeming to reach it or maybe they didn't have to. That didn't stop the wanting to though but then again wanting something and needing something are two completely different things entirely like now and the want to live bit but the need  of the matter was that she was going to fall at some point. That was a fact as well as a need and as the girl stared below into the city's mists that consumed below and the height of the fall, making it hard to judge whether or not it was just a few feet in depth or whether it was a collection of masses and masses of a drop. It was hard to determine the fall but it was easy enough for the girl to determine that it was a fallen height from the ear pounding whips of air that past her and pushed her, heck it was even easy enough to hear the silence; the kind that was so deathly silent that if a pin drop fell you'd hear it. Silence filled the air and so did the pounding of the girl's chest as the wind pushed once more, as her feet clung on to her threshold. Once more she held her ground and once more she contemplated her fall. To fall or not to fall that was the question, that seemed to be the only question now taken from the unanswered questions that she had once before. To fall she wouldn't be able to pull herself back up again but not to she would be living herself into  a lie. Do I fall or don't I? The girl knew not an answer, she knew not her mind and with a tear rolling down her face she gasped, the wind pushed her. The girl fell. Falling, falling, falling as her life flashed before her eyes, falling, falling, falling she fell. Thinking not how she fell or why but her thoughts only drove her to the fall. She fell, she fell, she fell, falling, falling, falling, unaware of the time she fell until it hit her, the impact grounded her and then she was gone.

The Unecissary Fear

What do you do when you're scared but not just scared for the irrational thing that people get scared for but for the exact opposite of that bad fear? What if it's a type of nervous fear, that at any second that person that you trust and that person that you shouldn't fear you do fear them. What then? What if you fear your friend? One false move, one wrong word and then the explosion. Then you'll start to fear that wonder, that one false move or moment, hoping that the day they explode never comes.

My Note

Okay I have no idea where this piece was going but hey, why not?
Until my next post cya!
:)

Shadow Snake

My Note: A hint

My note to you is not you is not to be too fooled by the title because it gives something away. Hopefully you'll all work it out. That'll all from me for now, until next time.
Happy Reading!
;)


I watched him work his way through the crowd, sitting, chatting, laughing, walking and flirting his way through the crowds. He reminded me of a friend that I had, having had out paths cross once but who I haven't him since. That friend I see in him who sits with me, talks to me when no one else would and recognises that I'm there. My friend done that, he talked to me when no one else would, he sat with me, he comforted me with the little ways that he did but in the massive ways that I needed comforting and he recognised me. It was as if whenever I walked into the room he would know and he would see, in fact it was exactly like that. No one can ever know how it feels to know that you've been seen by someone, that you were recognised for even that slightest second by them. That, for me, was my friend and so when I went out of that hell hole I called a school, I remember him and I remember what he done for me and I remember that debt that he done for me because without God's use in him, I would never have made it out of there alive. However I digress, back to him who reminds me of my friend he is similar, if not the same and within the rarest of traits of switching from one type of person and to another as well as noticing me in all the ways that my friend did. They're not the same, he and my friend and they're different but one can hope can't they? They're not the same and it isn't he that I woe my debt to for that is a debt that I owe to  God and will spend my whole life paying but still I try to find a way back to my friend, paying the debt that can't be paid that he had done for me to anyone that is similar, to anyone that is like him. This person is brown haired, brown eyes and my friend is black haired and brown eyes, this person starts his name with J and my friend starts his name B, this person I barely know and my friend is my long lost friend. The same but different, if not both than the aura that surrounds them, that being so there yet so distinctive that I should know what it's called but he word has passed from my memory. When someone can be all like that you remember them, the act of kindness done onto you and you just know a lot but a little and less beyond that. It's more than just that though to me anyway and I may never know that name for the greatness that is hidden in them and I may never know where their way leads but I know my hope in them that they'll find their way through the threads of life and that I in turn will meet them once more in this life.