A Confliction

My Notes

I decided to go with bit of a strange angle with this one and once again, like in the 'Confusion' one that I done, I had no idea where I actually was going with this one but here goes nothing!

Happy Reading people!
:)


Where do I begin or rather how do I begin something as strange as this? So much so that I find myself wondering where did it all begin, by God of course but still I wonder how? What purpose is this? I close my eyes and I can see his face, I can hear his voice; a voice that is a year older than it should be but that's the thing when normally I concern myself with age and title with him I don't. What's wrong with me? I blink and within a blink of an eye I can sense him close and I hope that I don't shiver and I don't but my hands do, ever so slightly, as he cups my hands into his. I can't focus on anything by how I can sense him, hear him within my mind like a magnet drawing into it's attraction and above all this I don't fail myself in any way but in my hands, a slight shaky movement fumbling on the simplest of things and I can't stop it much. In this I can't help but ask myself what's wrong with me? I can speak freely and easily with him, there's something about him that entwines so close to me in a way that I can't help but notice it, acknowledge it and think about it more and more. I smile about how easy it is to be like this, whatever this is and what's it's like to be like this.  This that I don't know but now I see it, I dream it and a part of me wants to run as fast as I can to nowhere in particular, in fact I urge to, just to run for the sake of running into his arms, of into another person's arms or to He who gave me him. I would've normally run before but I somehow I defy the urging to and I worry that the fire of a spark that's sparking inside of me will burn and that when it does it'll catch fire to him and then we'll both burn together, too fast and too soon. I've never felt recognised in the way that I do with him, I've never been like this in all the 17 years that I've been living, more so I've never been this close before; too close as it is to anyone me who is in fact unrecognisable with it and it takes all my heart and my mind and all my will power not to yield to the flashes of him who passes my mind in a prayer and as I smile constantly smiling in this happiness. I try not to think about it but I do, it's always there at the back of my mind as if a part of me and I can't help it, I don't stop it either and how can I when they're all I see and when he's so close that he might as well be here with me, right this second, in this moment. Someone near, somewhere clear and someone with a sense of meaning.



There's another who passes my mind, who's face I can never forget, to who I will never forget but who is just so far away from me so I wait, I pray, I hope and I plead to him all the words that are unspoken but he doesn't see, he forgets and only I am the one left seeing and believing and hoping in the now vivid spec of his love in exchange for my heart. I endure as long as I can 'because that's what you do when you love someone, that's what you do when you love someone so much that you wait, that you pray, that you believe, that you hope and that you wield the strength to go on another day; to live and not to die or waste away but to in fact remember. I hope and I speak of my hope, in all the little ways that I do but our link is weak and withers day by day in distance and he changes but I've changed to, we both have. This is my confliction, to know the reassuring touch of another, who notices or to hope for another who doesn't remember, both being separated by distance, by the threads of life that just pass each other but by Him entwine around me. What do I do? What can I do really? Pushing the thoughts of him with the reassuring touch out of my mind, I can't and to him who I remember and will never ever forget, enough to fight for, enough to wait for and I will never waste that away from him; I will never ever do that.


I smile and then I cry, longing for something not seen but seen and confusion takes control of me, a reassuring hand revives me and I'm well again, the once formed swelling sickness vanishes and I can walk again; I can think again (if only for a moment). Everything screams decide, everything has changed and I wonder what will become of me.