Untitled 1

My Notes

Before you begin the journey of my written words I thought it be suitable to let you all know that I purposely didn't name this piece anything special or anything meaningful (well besides the words within this piece) but the title simply is 'Untitled 1' and with that explanation thus ends my monologue (so to speak).

Happy Reading People!


It happens at the pinnacle of everything, there is the good and there is the bad and they each other in a cycle that is in fact life. I know that  after the good thus follows the bad and that after the bad thus follows the good but I can't help but be scared, worried, second guessing myself and everything and everyone. It's like the very thing that I set in my heart and mind to do goes wrong and I'm left contemplating, single handily guessing what should come next, what would come next. I don't feel, heck I even forget to breath, contemplating the would be final steps that I take each and every day, a part of me thinking that I'm not going to wake up in the end of this but that's the thing...I always do and the dawn of the new beginning always follows. Nevertheless it always comes back to one simple question and that is 'are you strong enough to cope; to manage the world on your own?' Then the answer will be 'no' because that's what you have friends for, that's what you have God for so they can lighten the burden and some do but others don't. Still the question still gets asked one final time 'are you ready; are you strong enough with the ones that you care about the most, with God, with your family and when you're on your own?' Then I'd always say to them, what my answer always is and that is 'no, I am not' and they know it. 'I will be tested..' they say '...and I will be tried' and in the end of this all I will have to figure out why.


The rain falls, the air stank with the fresh teardrops that fall, the stars above all faded out by the polluted mist yet still I use that as my comfort, those of the stars that I can see watching down on me from so high up there. I never look up, I never catch up with them and their eternal light, I just simply speed walk my way through the night and let them be my light. It looks like glass  shattered from the raindrops that fall and the faster I walk the more my tears are masked by the rain that falls because it's crying as well. Trying, as I will, I try to forget the distress of it, I try not to think about it; the way I'm feeling and how I am. I try and I think, focusing on anything and everything that isn't about that.

My heart won't let me.

Experience

When I write I want the readers to experience how each and every character feels, as to make it easier for them to relate to them somehow or in some way. That's easier said than done though and I never used to be able to relate to it without writing about it, that is until now. I see myself in this this particular experience that I had wrote about, when one of my characters sees another one of my characters helpless and how beaten down that the other character had seen actually is, holding onto that one small part of his life where the rest of it just wasted away. In reality I saw a similar thing, not the exact same thing but similar, not in the same way as how I wrote it in my book but instead this person is in a consuming darkness unaware of the dim light that is dwelling inside of him. They have no idea that they have the light and as I baffle myself about how much they do or don't know they surprise me by being kind, caring and upright. I don't see myself but I know my light, His light that is forever dwelling inside of me but I see him watching me and I can tell that he sees it to.  We both do.

My Notes

Once again I had no idea where I was going with this one but I hope you all enjoyed it!
Happy Reading people!
Until my next post.
Cya!
:)

Minute by Minute

"I can tell when people are upset." Clark said and I just looked at him.
"No you can't." I said.
"I think I can." He argued but I just shook my head, unbelieving the words that were coming out of his mouth as if they weren't possible and they weren't, not with me they weren't.
"You can't and  do you want to know why you can't?" I asked but I didn't wait for answer, not giving him time enough time to speak.
"Because I was the one that was upset; I was the one who was upset and you didn't even notice. I was the one who had been crying and you didn't even notice." I added, hot faced and angry, so angry that I almost cried but I didn't.
"I didn't know." He said trying to put his arm around me but I just swept if away.
"I don't like people lying to me." I said, getting up but pushing away his outstretched arms away from me as if it were hard enough to get up already without him clawing at me.
"I didn't know truly, I'm sorry but I would've seen, I normally do I..." He pleaded to me as I stood adjusting my one strap bag and lifting the strap to put it on my right shoulder. The bag was heavy but I didn't care, it wasn't as heavy as the burden that I had to bear now.
"Well that just goes to show, I hide stuff a lot better then you think I do." I told him turning to walk away.
"Then I'll keep on checking if you're alright." He said leaning over to grab my hand.
"Yeah, well maybe there won't be a next time." I told him tugging my arm free right before continuing to walk away.
"Wait, Lara!" He said but I just kept on walking but he just kept on shouting.
"Lara!" He screamed and I turned to see that he was up off the wooden bench that he was on, his bag slung over one shoulder and he was running.
"Lara!" He called and that's when I turned and ran, weaving myself through the crowd with tears flooding my eyes. Out of all my friends I thought that he was the genuine one, I thought that he was the real one but now I know that he was just a liar just like the rest of them. I ran, ran, ran, running as if hard as I can as fast as I can, the crowds lessening as I dodged their jumps, their murmurs and their fumbling feet that tried to stop as if they were all grabbing at me and they were just like he was somehow. Somehow I missed them, somehow I passed so many people yet still I ran. I was always good at running, my speed undeniable. I've always been at running away from things as well, heck I was always good at running out of situations just as much as I was when running into them. 

A Confliction

My Notes

I decided to go with bit of a strange angle with this one and once again, like in the 'Confusion' one that I done, I had no idea where I actually was going with this one but here goes nothing!

Happy Reading people!
:)


Where do I begin or rather how do I begin something as strange as this? So much so that I find myself wondering where did it all begin, by God of course but still I wonder how? What purpose is this? I close my eyes and I can see his face, I can hear his voice; a voice that is a year older than it should be but that's the thing when normally I concern myself with age and title with him I don't. What's wrong with me? I blink and within a blink of an eye I can sense him close and I hope that I don't shiver and I don't but my hands do, ever so slightly, as he cups my hands into his. I can't focus on anything by how I can sense him, hear him within my mind like a magnet drawing into it's attraction and above all this I don't fail myself in any way but in my hands, a slight shaky movement fumbling on the simplest of things and I can't stop it much. In this I can't help but ask myself what's wrong with me? I can speak freely and easily with him, there's something about him that entwines so close to me in a way that I can't help but notice it, acknowledge it and think about it more and more. I smile about how easy it is to be like this, whatever this is and what's it's like to be like this.  This that I don't know but now I see it, I dream it and a part of me wants to run as fast as I can to nowhere in particular, in fact I urge to, just to run for the sake of running into his arms, of into another person's arms or to He who gave me him. I would've normally run before but I somehow I defy the urging to and I worry that the fire of a spark that's sparking inside of me will burn and that when it does it'll catch fire to him and then we'll both burn together, too fast and too soon. I've never felt recognised in the way that I do with him, I've never been like this in all the 17 years that I've been living, more so I've never been this close before; too close as it is to anyone me who is in fact unrecognisable with it and it takes all my heart and my mind and all my will power not to yield to the flashes of him who passes my mind in a prayer and as I smile constantly smiling in this happiness. I try not to think about it but I do, it's always there at the back of my mind as if a part of me and I can't help it, I don't stop it either and how can I when they're all I see and when he's so close that he might as well be here with me, right this second, in this moment. Someone near, somewhere clear and someone with a sense of meaning.



There's another who passes my mind, who's face I can never forget, to who I will never forget but who is just so far away from me so I wait, I pray, I hope and I plead to him all the words that are unspoken but he doesn't see, he forgets and only I am the one left seeing and believing and hoping in the now vivid spec of his love in exchange for my heart. I endure as long as I can 'because that's what you do when you love someone, that's what you do when you love someone so much that you wait, that you pray, that you believe, that you hope and that you wield the strength to go on another day; to live and not to die or waste away but to in fact remember. I hope and I speak of my hope, in all the little ways that I do but our link is weak and withers day by day in distance and he changes but I've changed to, we both have. This is my confliction, to know the reassuring touch of another, who notices or to hope for another who doesn't remember, both being separated by distance, by the threads of life that just pass each other but by Him entwine around me. What do I do? What can I do really? Pushing the thoughts of him with the reassuring touch out of my mind, I can't and to him who I remember and will never ever forget, enough to fight for, enough to wait for and I will never waste that away from him; I will never ever do that.


I smile and then I cry, longing for something not seen but seen and confusion takes control of me, a reassuring hand revives me and I'm well again, the once formed swelling sickness vanishes and I can walk again; I can think again (if only for a moment). Everything screams decide, everything has changed and I wonder what will become of me.

Remember Me

My Notes

Here's a little piece from the series that I'm planning to write. Hope you all like it. Enjoy!
:)

Remember me before I fall,
Before the tunnel's light darkens and there is only one light out.
Remember me as I was and nothing more, nothing less.
Remember me before I go to be.

Remember me when I fall,
And how you would remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
But remember Him who died and rose again
He who died and rose again for me.

Remember me
Who I was and could've been
Remember Him
Remember me in the way that you remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
Remember, Remember, Remember
Before I fall
                    When I fall
                                       After I'm cold and alone
Remember,remember me when I'm dead.

Visor

My sight grows stronger and I find myself spending more and more time unconsciousness   than I do in my conscious state, feeling myself blinking but finding it harder and harder to get out of that subconscious state. When I dream I never get like this much but only when I see I do. It's like I'm sinking deeper and deeper more and more further gone until what will happen if I just let go and if I, in turn, sink deeper and deeper out of consciousness. Will I die? It's like how they said in the second film/book of Narnia, the inevitable question of what'll happen if the  main characters died in Narnia and not in their own world.  In the same way I ask the unanswered question of what if I sink in too deeply in one state rather than the other; what if I stay too far on the subconscious side then conscious? No one knows but still I ask and I wonder what if?

Infected Changed

I start to wonder what's happened to me, when I find myself being led by myself towards the very thing that the constitution makes that I hate and I wonder why. Why am I smiling? Why am I laughing when I know that those good memories can't be relied upon, when those people who make me happy can still be relied on but they can also turn? How do you know when you've already said too much or spoken too much to someone? How do you even know whether or not your truly happy when do you know truly? I wonder and I worry and I get scared again, because I'm human, because that's how I am, because that's  how we all are, because I'm just a girl infected by the concept of change. Change, that's what this is and I'm infected, I have changed and I'm worried and I'm scared about what I could be, about what I could become. I mean what does one become when infected by change, when second guessing everything and anything or when a prayer becomes no longer a prayer but a cry, no a plead to the Lord our God, our Sovereign Saviour to hear me? What will I become? Who will I become? This is change, this is what it's like to be infected  by change, like a curse, like a plague and like a disease. I've started smiling more, I've started laughing more, I've started talking ,more differently and thinking a lot about a little, about someone in a romantic way, about something and I wonder. This is change and this is the season that has changed and I have to live with it; I have to be in it! This is Infected Change.