To Him: My Heart A Letter

He has brown wavy hair, muscular and strong. He has hazel eyes that are almost mismatched, changing colour in the sun or the moonlight upon the star light sky. Kind eyes, almost sad eyes as if he was hiding something underneath, caring eyes, warm eyes; the kind of eyes you would want to remember. He's not the tallest but he's not the shortest either but memorable...everything about him is memorable. His luring eyes, his helium laugh, his gentle smile, his warm embrace as if every single touch, every single word, every single look is as if an electricity surging through your entire body and making you feel more alive. Every time you see him you feel alive but...everyone has their dark side, everyone has a past; a part of themselves that they hide away from everyone but there is always someone that they let in. 

His dark side, luminous yellow eyes, rippled veins a darker bite...who says that he's the only one though? No one knows the black eyes until they see it, no one knows the nightmare afterwards, the fear afterwards as the blood races through your entire body until you rage, wanting to see the thick blood dripping, dripping, dripping as if raindrops on the floor. Rain that's neither sad nor in pain just falling to the ground, as I fall to the ground, weak but at rest as if finally asleep at last. Who but God can see all and judge all after all else has come to it's end, His final word, fading physical life drowning out into souls for it will be their end of time and the start of eternity. 

As eternity is entered I will always remember him...the one who stole my heart and the one who, even until this day will always have it. In my eyes he is not a thief but a lover, a brother and a friend. I would happily give him my heart time and time again...I will happily live this life heartless only to be content that he has it with him. It's almost like a song, a dream that I just don't want to wake up from. Not ever for should this be the last thing I see I want you to know it's enough for me they will always be enough for me and more. Could this be our love eternal?

You look so beautiful in this light

All of the voices surrounding us here 

They just fade out when you take a breathe.

I remember him and his words to me my first letter, within I opened it to words that I never knew until I read them, until I heard their calming voice in my head and I smile. It read:

"I was alone, I was cold, I was hopeless, I had been abandoned and forgotten left to rot in the darkest corners of myself...that was until I met you. I'll still remember the first time that I looked at you properly, inside and out walking down the steps not knowing anyone on our first day except from Elliott and someone caught my eye, someone whose exquisite looks and personality shone out from the crowd so much that it was like finding a gigantic, smooth, perfect, dimond aminsted and rough stones all this in an instant nearly made me break my stride and stop but I had to get closer to this angel so I walked closer and started conversing with you, Elliott and Beth and I just couldn't take my eyes off you, every time that you looked my way I quickly acted as if nothing happened and in the weeks to pass I tested you exposing my darkest feelings but the Angel did not shy away she comforted me... I opened up...and was comforted. You see things that other can't your attention to the small things was and still is unquestionable and you can feel things like no one else can and then you word them into exquisite pieces of art."

A day I will never forget, a day that is dear to my heart; the day when you took my breath away. 

"I was lying down and you were me that massage with those magic hands of your of yours ..oh God you found some good places and then some really good places and it felt like it went on for the entire day and then you asked what was I thinking about which made me feel slightly uneasy and I replied "someone" , at which point you then proceeded to guess who it was which sent my heart into my stomache I knew it was only a matter of time before  you said "me?". When you did I hesitated and wondered if I should what would happen? What would you say? Would I be turned away? Then I admitted it was you that that were on my mind and still on my mind even as I write this and then something remarkable happened and you felt the same way I think I nearly had a heart attack and still after that I was still trying to process it. How could an angel feel like that about me?"

"Inside  I feel al kinds of things about you but you make me feel so much more, I've never been loved the way you love me it's exhilarating sometimes I feel like running at top speed until my legs give out and sometimes I feel like I can fly. Perhaps it's the way that you look at me with those beautiful brown oak- wood eyes when we're sitting together or lying or walking. Just when we're together and your eyes and mine seem to look in place by the others eyes when you at me I feel at home, I feel warm, I feel loved and colours just like deep orange of a new formed star, a new light shining on the darkness...my darkness casting out the shadows, the doubts, the worries. You piratically radiant warmth and kindness and your not judgemental oh how I've waited for someone who isn't judgemental, who doesn't make assumptions based on the shell  the soul manifests who look deeper than word and actions and understands why. There is the way that you touch me gentle and light yet always there stroking me, caressing me always taking the utmost care every time your skin touches mine always waning to be closer. Your my everything, my world, all that I need and all I'll ever need is your not money or food or a house all I need is you by my side, my love for you is as infinite as God is wise my love for you will never bend or wear thin only grow, my love for you is endless, my love for you is eternal." 

That's when the love, the joy, the happiness lost. Darkness got to me, in the love once bound enough to break me. All the while I try to imagine things different, saying if there was another way, if things were different. Now I am cold, alone, abandoned and replaced.

"It's the little things that I hope for, in the time where it seems like the dark is the only thing I got. You may not see this, you may never see this but I hope that you do; speak to me please. Speak before this silence consumes." I said

"You may yell at me, scream at me, shout at me and tell me that I'm wrong 100 times or even more than that but I will not listen. That's right I will not listen to the possibility of there being no hope for you, no happiness because even that is impossible. There is always hope, there is always happiness, sure I'm not the happiest person in the world and even I accept that circumstance but I will not for a second lose hope for someone who is my friend and who I care a lot about, even if the same isn't shown to me because for me that doesn't matter any more. No competition, no hidden agenda that's just it. So I will keep on trying, I will never give up no matter what anyone else says about u to me I will never forget and I will never give up because that's just who I am. No matter how badly I get treated because of it, not matter how much everyone thinks I'm mad or even deluded, obsessive or worse I will always try to show the people that I care about the most that they're amazing, that they are and will always be worth it! There is no need for anger, there is no need for a feud, there is no need for some strategy against it just because u don't understand that someone can care about someone as a friend so much that they won't give up. I will not back down, I will not stay silent and I will not lose hope because I hold onto what little I have, because that's just what I do, that's just who I am even despite my own issues. That for me is what I stand for and u know what I'm proud to do that for any1 of you that are dear to my heart. Believe it!"

Night comes and a I dream, the nightmares get to me first singing:
Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.
But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?
They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat.
Is this what I get for the choices that I've made?
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything.
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.
Don't go.


I close my eyes, taking a deep breath I reflect on it all with tears flowing down my face. Before it would've hurt to cry and see his face in my mind and in a way it still does...I mean how can I forget the one who I gave my all to? No, I will remember and here I will write..

To he who has my heart,

I think about you and wonder if you ever think about me in the same way to. Sometimes I have fantasies that you'll come back to me an that we'll stray together forever but I suppose that's just a distant dream that may never happen. Despite it all you will always be the last person that I'd want to think of but the first person that always comes to mind. Your my first, my last and my only and if I died today the only thing that I'll want to see is you and then I'll die happy. What do I miss the most? I miss everything about you. I miss your smile, I miss how close we were, I miss the way that you look at me with your beautiful eyes. I miss your kisses, I miss your embrace, your touch always memorable just as you are to me. Above all I miss how you made me feel happy and never alone, you are the only person who has ever made me feel something, the last person that made me feel something and you will always be the one thing that makes me feel again. No one will ever love you more than I love you and I will love you....

If only, if only these words that I say were said, who knows what will become of me and him? If only life didn't get in the way but still I hope and still I pray he will find a way back to me again. So here I stay, here I wait, if an eternity or less here I wait, waiting for you. 

When There Was You and I

Today is the 1st October, tomorrow will be the 2nd October, the day where so much of him is rolled just into a single day. 2nd October was the day that my life began. The strange boy with the hazel eyes, brown curly hair, those eyes that fill you up with a single glance, the hair that he had to flick away from his eyes. I remember the first time that I saw him, we were the last ones to put our names down for what  course that we wanted to be in. He was wearing a grey and dark hood on, I saw that he wrote his name before me on a piece of paper that we had to write our names down for classes and I thought he'd left when I saw him leave but I was wrong. After briefly speaking to the teachers he was still there in the corridor holding the door open. I left the building but then I had the feeling that he was following me because we were going the same way, I panicked and walked really fast until I finally lost him. Before that I remember that he was hanging around me and some others people that I met a lot, I remember telling him a joke of me being a girl and wanting to prove it and how he found that so funny.

The first day back in college I remember well. It was a new course for me, I didn't know anyone but I met Beth and Elliott at first and then the strange boy again from before. I remember going into the a hall for a lecture from some guy with them, I was sitting next to Beth talking about how we both had glasses on, Elliott was sat on the other side of Beth and at the very end was the strange boy. I remember me, Elliott, Beth and another person called Issac all sitting in a cafeteria that was American themed debating with Elliott about how he knew about inappropriate websites through a friend. Back then me and this strange boy were so close but I don't remember any specifics. What I do remember is getting the tour around college and myself, Beth and this strange boy all talking about strange occurrences. I remember the strange boy talking about a dark side of themselves and I remember giving the strange boy a massage and my heart literally skipping a beat when he told me that he was thinking about me to because a day ago from that moment, as he was calming me down I was contemplating an old love and then I thought about him; in tears. Thinking back on it now the flashes of walking to the bus stop with the strange boy, snuggling with them, sitting on their lap, talking to them about my obsessions, his AMAZING hugs but you want to know what I remember the most? It's the moment that he asked me out. He wore his black and red jacket then, a friend of mine called Ash and Beth running to catch the bus but the strange boy stayed behind walking calmly to the bus stop with me. We sat down facing a building, the skies were beautiful. He said that he thinks that he loves me, I said it back and at this point he got all adorably nervous about asking me out so I encouraged him. He asked me out and I said yes and we went to Burger King on a 'date' and he had a bigger burger than I had.I even remember telling him about my dad and how he has strong muscles. That day he was late for his next bus and my sister called to see if I was coming home but at the end of the day it didn't matter because I had him and we had each other back when I was him.

Back when, each night I could only think about him. Back when everything came running to me all in one. I remember it all, every second, every glance, every kiss, every warm embrace that me and this boy shared. For me this was a memory, one sweet memory that I will not forget. They're the one person I can't forget, I won't forget, the one person that means so much to me despite the bad, even their voice is memorable. Thinking about it now I know that I'd do anything for them, be there when they need me to be like I'm supposed to do; like I want to do. At the end of it all time heals, time forgets the bad and brings only the good. Things have changed, life goes on but one thing remains. Hope. So I will remember and so I'll never forget, the strange boy who stole my heart; the one who makes me smile again.