Untitled 1

My Notes

Before you begin the journey of my written words I thought it be suitable to let you all know that I purposely didn't name this piece anything special or anything meaningful (well besides the words within this piece) but the title simply is 'Untitled 1' and with that explanation thus ends my monologue (so to speak).

Happy Reading People!


It happens at the pinnacle of everything, there is the good and there is the bad and they each other in a cycle that is in fact life. I know that  after the good thus follows the bad and that after the bad thus follows the good but I can't help but be scared, worried, second guessing myself and everything and everyone. It's like the very thing that I set in my heart and mind to do goes wrong and I'm left contemplating, single handily guessing what should come next, what would come next. I don't feel, heck I even forget to breath, contemplating the would be final steps that I take each and every day, a part of me thinking that I'm not going to wake up in the end of this but that's the thing...I always do and the dawn of the new beginning always follows. Nevertheless it always comes back to one simple question and that is 'are you strong enough to cope; to manage the world on your own?' Then the answer will be 'no' because that's what you have friends for, that's what you have God for so they can lighten the burden and some do but others don't. Still the question still gets asked one final time 'are you ready; are you strong enough with the ones that you care about the most, with God, with your family and when you're on your own?' Then I'd always say to them, what my answer always is and that is 'no, I am not' and they know it. 'I will be tested..' they say '...and I will be tried' and in the end of this all I will have to figure out why.


The rain falls, the air stank with the fresh teardrops that fall, the stars above all faded out by the polluted mist yet still I use that as my comfort, those of the stars that I can see watching down on me from so high up there. I never look up, I never catch up with them and their eternal light, I just simply speed walk my way through the night and let them be my light. It looks like glass  shattered from the raindrops that fall and the faster I walk the more my tears are masked by the rain that falls because it's crying as well. Trying, as I will, I try to forget the distress of it, I try not to think about it; the way I'm feeling and how I am. I try and I think, focusing on anything and everything that isn't about that.

My heart won't let me.

Experience

When I write I want the readers to experience how each and every character feels, as to make it easier for them to relate to them somehow or in some way. That's easier said than done though and I never used to be able to relate to it without writing about it, that is until now. I see myself in this this particular experience that I had wrote about, when one of my characters sees another one of my characters helpless and how beaten down that the other character had seen actually is, holding onto that one small part of his life where the rest of it just wasted away. In reality I saw a similar thing, not the exact same thing but similar, not in the same way as how I wrote it in my book but instead this person is in a consuming darkness unaware of the dim light that is dwelling inside of him. They have no idea that they have the light and as I baffle myself about how much they do or don't know they surprise me by being kind, caring and upright. I don't see myself but I know my light, His light that is forever dwelling inside of me but I see him watching me and I can tell that he sees it to.  We both do.

My Notes

Once again I had no idea where I was going with this one but I hope you all enjoyed it!
Happy Reading people!
Until my next post.
Cya!
:)

Minute by Minute

"I can tell when people are upset." Clark said and I just looked at him.
"No you can't." I said.
"I think I can." He argued but I just shook my head, unbelieving the words that were coming out of his mouth as if they weren't possible and they weren't, not with me they weren't.
"You can't and  do you want to know why you can't?" I asked but I didn't wait for answer, not giving him time enough time to speak.
"Because I was the one that was upset; I was the one who was upset and you didn't even notice. I was the one who had been crying and you didn't even notice." I added, hot faced and angry, so angry that I almost cried but I didn't.
"I didn't know." He said trying to put his arm around me but I just swept if away.
"I don't like people lying to me." I said, getting up but pushing away his outstretched arms away from me as if it were hard enough to get up already without him clawing at me.
"I didn't know truly, I'm sorry but I would've seen, I normally do I..." He pleaded to me as I stood adjusting my one strap bag and lifting the strap to put it on my right shoulder. The bag was heavy but I didn't care, it wasn't as heavy as the burden that I had to bear now.
"Well that just goes to show, I hide stuff a lot better then you think I do." I told him turning to walk away.
"Then I'll keep on checking if you're alright." He said leaning over to grab my hand.
"Yeah, well maybe there won't be a next time." I told him tugging my arm free right before continuing to walk away.
"Wait, Lara!" He said but I just kept on walking but he just kept on shouting.
"Lara!" He screamed and I turned to see that he was up off the wooden bench that he was on, his bag slung over one shoulder and he was running.
"Lara!" He called and that's when I turned and ran, weaving myself through the crowd with tears flooding my eyes. Out of all my friends I thought that he was the genuine one, I thought that he was the real one but now I know that he was just a liar just like the rest of them. I ran, ran, ran, running as if hard as I can as fast as I can, the crowds lessening as I dodged their jumps, their murmurs and their fumbling feet that tried to stop as if they were all grabbing at me and they were just like he was somehow. Somehow I missed them, somehow I passed so many people yet still I ran. I was always good at running, my speed undeniable. I've always been at running away from things as well, heck I was always good at running out of situations just as much as I was when running into them. 

A Confliction

My Notes

I decided to go with bit of a strange angle with this one and once again, like in the 'Confusion' one that I done, I had no idea where I actually was going with this one but here goes nothing!

Happy Reading people!
:)


Where do I begin or rather how do I begin something as strange as this? So much so that I find myself wondering where did it all begin, by God of course but still I wonder how? What purpose is this? I close my eyes and I can see his face, I can hear his voice; a voice that is a year older than it should be but that's the thing when normally I concern myself with age and title with him I don't. What's wrong with me? I blink and within a blink of an eye I can sense him close and I hope that I don't shiver and I don't but my hands do, ever so slightly, as he cups my hands into his. I can't focus on anything by how I can sense him, hear him within my mind like a magnet drawing into it's attraction and above all this I don't fail myself in any way but in my hands, a slight shaky movement fumbling on the simplest of things and I can't stop it much. In this I can't help but ask myself what's wrong with me? I can speak freely and easily with him, there's something about him that entwines so close to me in a way that I can't help but notice it, acknowledge it and think about it more and more. I smile about how easy it is to be like this, whatever this is and what's it's like to be like this.  This that I don't know but now I see it, I dream it and a part of me wants to run as fast as I can to nowhere in particular, in fact I urge to, just to run for the sake of running into his arms, of into another person's arms or to He who gave me him. I would've normally run before but I somehow I defy the urging to and I worry that the fire of a spark that's sparking inside of me will burn and that when it does it'll catch fire to him and then we'll both burn together, too fast and too soon. I've never felt recognised in the way that I do with him, I've never been like this in all the 17 years that I've been living, more so I've never been this close before; too close as it is to anyone me who is in fact unrecognisable with it and it takes all my heart and my mind and all my will power not to yield to the flashes of him who passes my mind in a prayer and as I smile constantly smiling in this happiness. I try not to think about it but I do, it's always there at the back of my mind as if a part of me and I can't help it, I don't stop it either and how can I when they're all I see and when he's so close that he might as well be here with me, right this second, in this moment. Someone near, somewhere clear and someone with a sense of meaning.



There's another who passes my mind, who's face I can never forget, to who I will never forget but who is just so far away from me so I wait, I pray, I hope and I plead to him all the words that are unspoken but he doesn't see, he forgets and only I am the one left seeing and believing and hoping in the now vivid spec of his love in exchange for my heart. I endure as long as I can 'because that's what you do when you love someone, that's what you do when you love someone so much that you wait, that you pray, that you believe, that you hope and that you wield the strength to go on another day; to live and not to die or waste away but to in fact remember. I hope and I speak of my hope, in all the little ways that I do but our link is weak and withers day by day in distance and he changes but I've changed to, we both have. This is my confliction, to know the reassuring touch of another, who notices or to hope for another who doesn't remember, both being separated by distance, by the threads of life that just pass each other but by Him entwine around me. What do I do? What can I do really? Pushing the thoughts of him with the reassuring touch out of my mind, I can't and to him who I remember and will never ever forget, enough to fight for, enough to wait for and I will never waste that away from him; I will never ever do that.


I smile and then I cry, longing for something not seen but seen and confusion takes control of me, a reassuring hand revives me and I'm well again, the once formed swelling sickness vanishes and I can walk again; I can think again (if only for a moment). Everything screams decide, everything has changed and I wonder what will become of me.

Remember Me

My Notes

Here's a little piece from the series that I'm planning to write. Hope you all like it. Enjoy!
:)

Remember me before I fall,
Before the tunnel's light darkens and there is only one light out.
Remember me as I was and nothing more, nothing less.
Remember me before I go to be.

Remember me when I fall,
And how you would remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
But remember Him who died and rose again
He who died and rose again for me.

Remember me
Who I was and could've been
Remember Him
Remember me in the way that you remember Ye O' Glorious Dead
Remember, Remember, Remember
Before I fall
                    When I fall
                                       After I'm cold and alone
Remember,remember me when I'm dead.

Visor

My sight grows stronger and I find myself spending more and more time unconsciousness   than I do in my conscious state, feeling myself blinking but finding it harder and harder to get out of that subconscious state. When I dream I never get like this much but only when I see I do. It's like I'm sinking deeper and deeper more and more further gone until what will happen if I just let go and if I, in turn, sink deeper and deeper out of consciousness. Will I die? It's like how they said in the second film/book of Narnia, the inevitable question of what'll happen if the  main characters died in Narnia and not in their own world.  In the same way I ask the unanswered question of what if I sink in too deeply in one state rather than the other; what if I stay too far on the subconscious side then conscious? No one knows but still I ask and I wonder what if?

Infected Changed

I start to wonder what's happened to me, when I find myself being led by myself towards the very thing that the constitution makes that I hate and I wonder why. Why am I smiling? Why am I laughing when I know that those good memories can't be relied upon, when those people who make me happy can still be relied on but they can also turn? How do you know when you've already said too much or spoken too much to someone? How do you even know whether or not your truly happy when do you know truly? I wonder and I worry and I get scared again, because I'm human, because that's how I am, because that's  how we all are, because I'm just a girl infected by the concept of change. Change, that's what this is and I'm infected, I have changed and I'm worried and I'm scared about what I could be, about what I could become. I mean what does one become when infected by change, when second guessing everything and anything or when a prayer becomes no longer a prayer but a cry, no a plead to the Lord our God, our Sovereign Saviour to hear me? What will I become? Who will I become? This is change, this is what it's like to be infected  by change, like a curse, like a plague and like a disease. I've started smiling more, I've started laughing more, I've started talking ,more differently and thinking a lot about a little, about someone in a romantic way, about something and I wonder. This is change and this is the season that has changed and I have to live with it; I have to be in it! This is Infected Change.

I Fall

The girl swayed, the persistent wind pushing up her back again, threatening a fall the way that it had last time as if pushing her towards the tips of the unsteady platform that she stood on. The girl held her ground staring down towards the height of the fall and her imminent fate that she knew could come soon but for now at least she done all that she could to stand firm and tall, still looking, still waiting until her fall. To love or to break that was the question, to breath or to drown that was the question and to live or to die that was also the question. What will she chose? She had neither answer or choice in the matter, hope failing her she had only despair, that was all that she had. 'It's madness' they would say and it was she knew, she almost lost her mind and all of her sanity, almost but however she didn't. She was still here though, on one of the tallest skyscrapers that was known to man staring out towards the city and the pointed buildings of New York that reached so high towards the Heavens but never seeming to reach it or maybe they didn't have to. That didn't stop the wanting to though but then again wanting something and needing something are two completely different things entirely like now and the want to live bit but the need  of the matter was that she was going to fall at some point. That was a fact as well as a need and as the girl stared below into the city's mists that consumed below and the height of the fall, making it hard to judge whether or not it was just a few feet in depth or whether it was a collection of masses and masses of a drop. It was hard to determine the fall but it was easy enough for the girl to determine that it was a fallen height from the ear pounding whips of air that past her and pushed her, heck it was even easy enough to hear the silence; the kind that was so deathly silent that if a pin drop fell you'd hear it. Silence filled the air and so did the pounding of the girl's chest as the wind pushed once more, as her feet clung on to her threshold. Once more she held her ground and once more she contemplated her fall. To fall or not to fall that was the question, that seemed to be the only question now taken from the unanswered questions that she had once before. To fall she wouldn't be able to pull herself back up again but not to she would be living herself into  a lie. Do I fall or don't I? The girl knew not an answer, she knew not her mind and with a tear rolling down her face she gasped, the wind pushed her. The girl fell. Falling, falling, falling as her life flashed before her eyes, falling, falling, falling she fell. Thinking not how she fell or why but her thoughts only drove her to the fall. She fell, she fell, she fell, falling, falling, falling, unaware of the time she fell until it hit her, the impact grounded her and then she was gone.

The Unecissary Fear

What do you do when you're scared but not just scared for the irrational thing that people get scared for but for the exact opposite of that bad fear? What if it's a type of nervous fear, that at any second that person that you trust and that person that you shouldn't fear you do fear them. What then? What if you fear your friend? One false move, one wrong word and then the explosion. Then you'll start to fear that wonder, that one false move or moment, hoping that the day they explode never comes.

My Note

Okay I have no idea where this piece was going but hey, why not?
Until my next post cya!
:)

Shadow Snake

My Note: A hint

My note to you is not you is not to be too fooled by the title because it gives something away. Hopefully you'll all work it out. That'll all from me for now, until next time.
Happy Reading!
;)


I watched him work his way through the crowd, sitting, chatting, laughing, walking and flirting his way through the crowds. He reminded me of a friend that I had, having had out paths cross once but who I haven't him since. That friend I see in him who sits with me, talks to me when no one else would and recognises that I'm there. My friend done that, he talked to me when no one else would, he sat with me, he comforted me with the little ways that he did but in the massive ways that I needed comforting and he recognised me. It was as if whenever I walked into the room he would know and he would see, in fact it was exactly like that. No one can ever know how it feels to know that you've been seen by someone, that you were recognised for even that slightest second by them. That, for me, was my friend and so when I went out of that hell hole I called a school, I remember him and I remember what he done for me and I remember that debt that he done for me because without God's use in him, I would never have made it out of there alive. However I digress, back to him who reminds me of my friend he is similar, if not the same and within the rarest of traits of switching from one type of person and to another as well as noticing me in all the ways that my friend did. They're not the same, he and my friend and they're different but one can hope can't they? They're not the same and it isn't he that I woe my debt to for that is a debt that I owe to  God and will spend my whole life paying but still I try to find a way back to my friend, paying the debt that can't be paid that he had done for me to anyone that is similar, to anyone that is like him. This person is brown haired, brown eyes and my friend is black haired and brown eyes, this person starts his name with J and my friend starts his name B, this person I barely know and my friend is my long lost friend. The same but different, if not both than the aura that surrounds them, that being so there yet so distinctive that I should know what it's called but he word has passed from my memory. When someone can be all like that you remember them, the act of kindness done onto you and you just know a lot but a little and less beyond that. It's more than just that though to me anyway and I may never know that name for the greatness that is hidden in them and I may never know where their way leads but I know my hope in them that they'll find their way through the threads of life and that I in turn will meet them once more in this life.

Knowing My Love

My Note: An Introduction To Extracts

Okay, so since this is my first ever extract to you all from my trilogy I figured I'd better give you all a crash course on the type of things I can and can't say for all of my extracts (I know boring right but it's necessary). So here goes nothing. The title of  'Knowing My Love' is actually the title that I named for an extract from my trilogy and since it's part of my trilogy I can't exactly say that it'll be in my trilogy for certain, as things get changed all the time and I can't exactly say what 's in the book either  but I can say that I can write to you all in the extracts that I'll occasionally give about what could be in the trilogy. Just to be clear this intro is  to all  the extract things for both my trilogy and the series. In In addition to this I can't tell you about the following things:

• What book from the series/ trilogy that the extract is from
• What happens after it
• Whether it's definitely going to be in the trilogy/series or not

However...I can tell you what might be in it (and that is a big might) because it'll be somehow related to what I'm not already writing or it'll somehow related to a distant book from either the trilogy or series that I may have or haven't already planned and this is because of a certain policy of  things that I've already agreed to, this meaning that I can only publish to anyone (depending on their circumstance) certain things related to both the trilogy and the books that I write.

Now that the boring part is out of the way without any further a due please allow me to introduce to you : 'Knowing My Love' by myself of course ;)

Enjoy!



"Don't you already know?" I asked gazing at him hopefully, praying a hopeful prayer that maybe he would know my love. I mean he has to know...but he doesn't. I can see it written on his face in that puzzled expression that he's giving me.
"Don't I know what?" He asked and I told him.
"Don't you know..." I began "How every time that you speak to me I have to be constantly working out what a certain phrase means that you used or what the single words mean when you make your reply I wonder for days on end what they mean or even that I never want to ask you what is it that they mean because I don't want you to know? Do you know that I pray for you every night that He will keep you safe and sound and that He will protect you wherever you go and that in whatever you do I pray for your success? Do you know that I wonder time and time again whether or not you remember me, if you even pray for me as I do for you? Do you even know how often it is that I talk about you, that I long to see you? Do you know that I'll do anything to protect you and that I aspire to be with you and that as much as I want to see you, to even be in the same room as you again that I keep on telling myself how I can't, how I'm not ready and how it isn't my time. Do you even know why I do that?" I asked him trembling as the tears flowed down my cheek as I spoke but it didn't matter somehow, all that mattered was him and only him and the words that just wouldn't stop. The words that just kept on coming and coming and I couldn't stop them, all of it just erupting out of me and I wouldn't stop.
"Abigail don't..." He said but I didn't stop.
"I do that because I've gotten it into my thick skull that I can't be with you unless I'm as strong as you inside myself but it's not enough for me, no it's not enough, because I've also gotten into my thick skull that I have to be as confident as you, as sociable as you to be with you. And do you know why I do that? It's because your worth waiting for, that if only I just wait and if only I just pray then He will lead you back to me. Don't you know that I wait every day until that day comes, until that moment comes; don't you realize how much that'll mean to me or even how much you mean to me?" I asked him, pausing for once since I started talking and for once I breath. The trembling has stopped but I'm shaking, I'm still crying but somehow I'm still holding it all together, praying a prayer of thanks to Him for that but still I'm not done. Far from it actually...
"Don't you..." I start to say but my tears break off the next would be words that are still on the tip of my tongue and I take a moment before I recover.
"Don't you know that I love you." I say finally, the word love breathless to me as soon as it comes out and I feel empty. I've said all that I wanted to say; I've said all that I needed to say and now I'm watching him eyes dry of tears but still a sob or two are still dwelling within me as I inhale 10 slow breaths of air.
"I know." He says and that's all he needs to say.

Watching The Sky Above

Have you ever seen the sky on a clear blue day? When the ripples of the scattered cloud float softly above the blue canvas and when the sun shines from high above sending the fragments of light that just glitter? Or when the clouds above form a foamy wave of crystal reflections above as if reinventing it's self to become the soothing waves on a silent day. I've seen it and when I look towards the Heavens I can't help but wonder to myself what it is like up there and how different it is from down here or even to stand and wonder at it's perfected beauty. Below isn't that bad either, for even the tinniest things have it's own beauty, like when I open my window on the ice cold morning of winter and all that I can see is the whitest of snow ever seen unspoiled upon the perfected canvas but it's not just the white of the snow that amazes me but the clouds above as well, huddled in white as the tiniest snowflakes just fall gently upon the surface of the ground. Or when the ocean's grey waves hit gently upon the silver shore or even when they eyes of the son  gaze down upon the ocean's shore and all that you see is blue upon the ever so distant horizon. That's beauty to me at least and when you gaze upon that longing to be there, longing to go there and when finally you come to the reason of absolute you care and you love and you stand amazed through all that reign brings you.     

Seeing, Believing and Watching The Many

I close my eyes and then I open them again in a blink that lasts only seconds before and I realize something. I sit there motionless for a while and for a moment it’s like time has literally stopped whilst I morph my way into the crowd. The crowd never notice me but as I watch them I observe, the clustered groups both in and out of the almost vacant white space. Some are by the single pool table a little further away from me, there are those that are hidden in huddled groups in seats and are like me, almost unseen and almost unnoticed. Then there are others who wondered, chatting, laughing, smirking their way through the questions, answers and statements that is and always will be a conversation. Finally, I see one from amongst the crowd just slipping by at the précised moments, passing through one single person to another and from one type of group to another and as I watch I can't help but stand in awe and wonder about how this could be. I mean how can it be; how can it even be possible that they can switch from one group and to another without fault? It's as if perfection in word turned from just a word to sight if not three times than only just once. As I watch the crowd I close my eyes and I can see my home, I can see the place that I long for and urge fro and is always seen by hope, by a prayer and in the words that is written. When I lose my eyes I can see but when I open my eyes all that I can see are the crowds of people and I realize something; something that I've always realized but was only just brought out now. They don't know, they truly don't know and why would they because they're story hasn't been written yet, because they're not part of that story. That is what I've realized and that is what I see and within that moment time starts again. I blink, I can see and when I open my eyes again I observe. 

 

Confusion

It's a strange thing these days like a  kaleidoscope  of remembrance swarming  in and out of memory or even our very existence. Words swirl around me, the world a blur around me and in the moment of complete uncertainty I can't help but think about things that already I need to know or don't already know. The need to do lists that are exploding through my head, smashing in and out of remembrance until then all that I know is all that I have and that is words, however slurred and stirred and images to go with it. I'm distracted somehow as I look up to the sky and pray a lost but hopeful prayer, crying, subconsciously sleeping or am I just dreaming? Now what's not was is and what is wasn't, it hasn't come to me like this before, the numbness in the midst of this world, my body still warm and worn but still somehow on my own. I turn. Suddenly I have this great urging to submerge myself in water and then to just float, float away, away; somewhere away. When will I think clearly again? Will I even be me again? Or will I even know myself when I look upon the sad brown eyes that are looking back at me in the mirror. I don't know, all that I know is that today isn't all tomorrow and that night is still upon me but morning will come soon and I will look once more to Him who is expecting me. For now it is night and tomorrow will be day and the cycle will continue and thus breaks my end.

Pairs

Something told me that I shouldn't be but was, I was jealous bad . As I said I shouldn't be but I was, I was jealous bad and what was there to be jealous about? Just because he'd been paired up straight away, I mean it was bound to happen and I knew it to; from the moment that they met and how they had that instant spark whereas me there was nothing. It  was instant and I guess it sort of just happened but they weren't the only ones that got paired because two other people did as well, like all pairs usually do but that pair was different because that pair was formed way before the pairs were even made. Still, I shouldn't be jealous though I mean I've only know those two, the ones that have only just recently been paired, for like 4 days (not that I've been counting the days or anything). I barely know the guy that I'm jealous of and I know the girl that he got paired up with to, both I've known for the same amount of time and both I barely even know but still. Maybe I'm jealous because they've got paired so quickly or because I saw it happen or even because I'm not paired yet and that deep down, deep, deep, deep down I wanted to get paired with him. Everyone gets paired though and it's only a matter of time until I do but like they're pair this jealousy just happened.

My note

I can honestly say that I have no idea where I was going with this piece, I guess I just saw a particular interaction and wrote about it (as per usual). As always please let me know what you thought of this post. Until next time!
Bye Everyone!
- Abigail R Millard

Poision

It seeps, it thrives and it sickens. I'm infected, I'm poisoned. At times it feels like I'm dying, hands shaking, I'm shivering only inches, though I'm shaking so much that I'm scared they would notice me. They don't. I feel hot as well, they're eyes on me so much so as I can feel the heat burning all over me when they look at me, staring at me with eyes so dull. I don't burn though, it's the fire, it's just the fire of their stares that burn. Words, words that I know so well  all of a sudden forgotten and I mumble, I stumble; I'm mute. This, like all things passes and I'm cold again, heart unfrozen, no longer pounding again and the veil is pulled up; once more I'm noticeable until the veil comes down again. Until then, for now; this is the end.





















Okay, so it's my second post but my first proper one where I'll be writing stuff. Not much to it actually, just wanted to write. Hope you all liked it and please let me know what you think!
Happy Reading!
;)

A Little Introduction

Okay, so my name is Abigail and I'm a writer. I'm writing a trilogy and a series both at the different genres of fantasy for the trilogy and a science fiction type thing for the series, however both projects are still in process of writing. With that in mind I just decided to create a blog, after my last one absolutely failed but yeah, this is my blog and since I love read to and to write I figured why not. I think that's it...oh and if I make a mistake about something that I've written (as it's bound to happen at some point) please let me know. Well that's it from me. Please let me know what you think of my posts; feel free to spread the word and recommend this blog please. Thanks and happy reading!

;)
- Abigail R Millard

Note

A lot of the material that I'm going to put on this blog varies, some of it could be poems, some of it could be sonnets (that is if I can manage it), others reference certain parts of certain posts or are related to them in some way whereas others are just extracts from my trilogy or series (thought that is a still possibility). Like the types of writing the genres will change or they won't, depending on so many things but so far I'll just see how it goes.
:)