Master of Judgment

As I stood in the centre of it the stone segments that encased me I saw it all. Every word still unspoken, everything ever written, no; everything I have ever written all came down to something. Something bigger, something braver, something better, something greater than ourselves but then again at the same time I find myself wondering if it's all worth it in the end. Is it really worth it? As a unorthodox writer I like to feel and experience everything that the characters that I write about feel and do. I follow the code of their behaviour patterns and analyse their characteristics like anyone who takes interest in  physiology and sociology. That was my only wish to be able to understand. That was before it happened; before everything I have ever written started to happen. At first it was just pure coincidence and then it just turned into something more than that. I am my own creator and my own master but that's just it...I live in fear of power, I draw away from what power I do obtain. Suddenly I became the prophesier, His chosen one but out of destiny or hell I do not know. Maybe that's a good thing, who knows?

The Fever

There are times when I feel myself falling further and further from sanity, whereas other times I just wonder if all of this was nothing but a bad dream that I'll wake up from. I hope that's the case at least but it almost always ends up in some terrible nightmare that I'll never wake up from. I'm a screw loose, everyone knows that or at least so I lead myself into believing. It's these times of insanity that I envision myself chained up, mouth covered so I can speak no harmful nonsense to anyone within hearing distance. I'm afraid and that image, well nothing scares me more.

You cannot exist in two worlds, you've had a feverish dream I could hear someone telling me but it was all in my head and as I stretched I shivered uncontrollably for a moment. I thought and the heavy gut filled feeling that followed. Something terrible is going to happen today; I can feel it and as always there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Diesel, my dad had always smelt like diesel the last that I had known of him. I remembered hating that stench because with his wondering eyes my head spun, ached and the next thing that I knew the contents of my previous meal was more apparent that it had ever been usually. Just recently this year I have been able to pick up scents of people even when they're not in the room. Does it have anything to do with my dreams; sight and feelings of things that aren't seen to the naked eyes I do not know. In my time I have only had the opportunity to get the scent of my lover, a lover of the past and three more admirers. I've been able to tell so far that everyone's scent apart from my lover's scent are similar although a past lover's scent and one of the admirers are more distinctive, as if somehow acid rain had poured down on powdered spices, mixing it with mud to create their scent. Sometimes, like now it makes me wonder what it all means.

Over the weekend I done some soul searching and I said it how it is as they say to all the people who I have fucked up with or those who have done me wrong. I figured it'll be enough but sometimes I have a feeling that it won't, that there is still more for me to do but what else is there? I didn't want the sins of my past to follow me into next year. What next is there  for me? What other sins do I have to watch out for? What more is there? It's the what if, the not knowing that just runs round and round my head, making me dizzy, making me not think. Again I put on the gag, again I put on the silent mask of misery. "I'm always here for you" people say but will they understand? How can they when they cannot see? I cannot breathe, trapped in my own sway of nausea.

When everything breaks inside my head and the agitated images seem to flicker abruptly, giving me distorted visions of horrors I cannot even begin to explain to anyone. 


                        This is the Fever, this is the end to begin the beginning.

My Last Words: To You 2015

As I look towards the new year I do what most people do and reflect on the year past. So I ask myself what words can I use to describe this year? My answer would be that there is none, for as there have been highs there have also been lows. Betrayal, fake friends, pain, sorrow and grief are just some of the words and phrases that I'll use to describe the worst of 2015. Friendship, loyalty and unconditional love where there has been some of the worst times for me this year, there have always been those few unwavering in loyalty and comfort who have stood by me the entire time. Those are the few words I can use to describe the  good of 2015.

Thinking back about it all I remember those few who won't be seeing 2016 with me, those who are in Heaven. I also remember those who have started off as friends into nothing more but strangers for circumstances that cannot be helped and somehow I am not sad. After all we all learn something from someone or some incident that changes us all; all of it to make us stronger and wiser to the mistakes that had already come to pass. 

Sitting here and writing this I think about what few moments of good I have had this year, for once rather than the bad and the new people I have met, the experiences I have had. Like most this time I ponder life, looking back and I know that in my heart (what little pieces left of it that is) I properly wouldn't be at least 1% sane as I am now without having of met a lot of people; even with my broken self somehow I have found friendship, loyalty and love. Something which I never knew would happen to the spectre that is me and if by miracle it has. 


I have not set New Years resolutions for 2016 and who knows maybe I don't need one. At best I will do what I can to survive for as long as I can because we only ever live once and I have learnt that life is too short, that sometimes even what haunts you in the deepest and darkest of nights you will have to face it, conquer it and then at some point you will have to let it go. Nothing is ever certain and one can hope that for this new year that the past won't come with vengeance to haunt me once more,  that with what little hope that is left in this God forsaken world I'll still be me and I'll still have my family of friends. So I hope at least. As this year of 2015 closes I'm left with this motto 'you either ask for it or you won't get it. In the end your either good or bad and as for the rest well that's history. Once more you only live once so there is no time to waste on what has no point just as much there is no point to show interest to those who show non to you what so ever.' In the harsh truth of this year that is what I  have learnt. 

Suzanne Collins wrote in here book Mockingjay in the very end about surviving and this is what was written: 


“I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in things because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years.

But there are much worse games to play.” 




I suppose this is the only quote I'll leave to learn in 2015 for who knows what tedious battles awaits next in 2016?

The Colour Red

The clouds were grey upon a burning red sunset...only thing was there was no sun to be in sight, just the grey powerful clouds, the fiery red and black vortex sky and golden lightening that thundered the entire sky, shaking the ground that I stood on. Upon the verge of the jagged  cliff I stood gasping at the darkening depths below, the air drowning my hearing so that even my mind become ominous to the shrieking thunder that consumed every thought in me, every sound that would've been heard. The thunder struck again, again and again, holding no end to it's destruction as it's sharp teeth bite into the mountains, making mountains fall, spontaneous fires appear out of nowhere but everywhere the sound of the piercing thunder struck. There was no escape, not in the world where I stood wasted, devastation and pain was all I felt as if I stood inches away from the boiling sun, as it's rays burnt through my skin, burning my eyes until all I could see was blood. So much blood tarred the skies, raining blood falling everywhere and anywhere, upon my face, upon the sky and down my eyelids as I looked on in horror. Maybe I was bleeding a rain of blood to? Maybe the iron taste of blood was all I could ever sought in this place of death to satisfy my empty soul? This was death for me, a horror of the worst never-ending nightmare repeating its self but it wouldn't stop, I could no longer control this. Not any more. Not ever. This nightmare, this hell controlled me and all I could do was stand here and watch, waiting for what would be my death. Death by lightning or death by falling, falling, falling down into the depths unknown, into the darkness that awaited me down below. I saw both my deaths, my fall and my rise to a life like this; in a place like this. Gasping I looked towards the skies, watching as the thunder drew closer and closer towards me. Gasping again I glanced back down to the pits of the darkness. It was do or die but then again I will die to do anything anyway. Dammed if I could and dammed if I could not. The world swirled around me, as if I were encased in a dance of fire, flames appearing all around me and within it all every breath of me was lost from the thunder above. This was it. This was the end, for me and what was left of this broken vessel that I became. Broken, torn up in a world made by me and my own bleeding soul. I let out a breath, let out a bloody tear and in the last moments that became of it all I moved, ran and fell just as the lightning tried to catch me, grab at me with it's sharp teeth. I fell, fell, fell into darkness, into nothingness until I was gone. 



What was this? Did I find Hell whilst looking for Heaven? Or was I fated to be in Hell for all eternity to perish, slowly as I lose my mind, as I lose myself. Somehow I saw myself in the dark, pale faced, black eyes and red tears scaring my face. In a world of my own I was its own demon. I was it's own monster. I was it's own end. 

Dark Pride

Page 1

I should've known better
Than to ever
Look to heaven questioning
Whether I've found it

I'm stuck in this dead end

And all these words, they come too late

 You could never compensate

 For this pain

I should've said it all when I was close to you

 Like I was supposed to do

I'm stumbling through this life with no sight

It's too late

 The hands of fate

 Oh the hands of fate yea

 Just won't wait

 No, it just won't wait

Help me change

It's too late

 The hands of fate

 Just won't wait

 No, it just won't wait

The pained change took over

I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are.

Would things be easier if there was a right way?

There is no right way.

The dark caress of someone else

To somehow escape the burning weight, the art of scraping through,

 Some like to imagine,

God knows I fall in love just a little

I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?

No apologies. He'll never see you cry,

 Pretends he doesn't know that he's the reason why.

 You're drowning, you're drowning, and you’re drowning.

 Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

 A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

I see.

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

You put me down

Lately I've been, I've been losing sleep

I feel something so right by doing the wrong thing

Everything that kills me makes me feel alive

Watch it burn.

Backfire

I don't want to remember it all

 The promises I made if you just hold on

I just need enough of you to dull the pain

I could just die laughing on your spiral of shame

I only appeared so I can fade away

I scream

And there's a jet black crow droning on and on and on

 Up above our heads droning on and on and on

 Hit it never quit it I have been through the wreck

I keep going to the river to pray

 'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

 And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

The ghost keeps me awake

Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

It’s still burning

What do you think is wrong?

The naïve mindset themed in pride I’ve seen twice in people, too stubborn, to realise their own faults. In the same I am the same with  my own faults but it’s the contradiction, condescending types of people that clash with the types of differentiating and then me.  In this circumstance it’s the majority of pride that’s set within the mentality that is always on the defensive. Picture it this way a person standing there in the woods, their eyes switching back and forth, grasping tightly onto a bow, arrow already notched into the bow string and with every minute that passes they draw their bow. A single sound they draw, draw, draw but alas this is only their subconscious because they’ll never show it for their pride forbids them to.

I’ve seen pride before in someone younger and in someone older. One is indirect but the other is direct about it. In his mind he’s right always about people and better than anyone else and when their way is challenged they fall back to the wall of annoyance and anger because although they know they do not understand or rather they do but never admit it.

 

I’ve seen pride before and she preaches the good, the way that Our God teaches but behind closed doors she plays the game well. An indirect thought she speaks, yells, unbalanced because of her pride that hardens her heart. We all know that there is a reason why but still only Our God knows and understands all. Our God knows there must be a lost mother trying to figure out a sickness of her daughter.

 

Through dull eyes she blankly stare, we know not what she’s thinking only the words that she says. This one grows loud in the surprise centre of something good but like all people it all becomes too much. A mind unused to power gets consumed by what is not planned, changing their way and playing a game with pieces that have value but to them have non but the power that they have. I can relate her to a comic book villain, Mystic. She is an archangel, los, misunderstanding but because of their game a threat in my head. 

 

Be warned I’m insane so when I see another person insane I respect and then I wonder, like I always do, what do they see when they see me? For him it started off like that up until the point we killed each other and made love then we killed each other and made love all over again. Now he’s the one that I loved but became an estranged monster seeing me as a threat, even when at present I have done no wrong, even when directly I have said a mutter of few words. His words cross truth and lie, unable to tell whether it’s for their game of words and actions as if trying to believe them himself…Again he is another one who is lost, stubborn to their way, disorientated  almost.

 

In my life I am lost, I can disappear without notice if I want to. I’m scared because all I see is black and white, threat and no threat. In the same way picture this in your head; a girl throwing knives on specific targets, skipping some targets when all the while knives gets thrown onto their back, digging into their skin.

 

“There's nothing left to say” They said.

“Well tell me, what do you think is wrong?” I asked after explaining it all.

 

I don't wanna do this by myself

 I don't wanna live like a broken record

 I've heard these lines a thousand times

 And I've seen it all before

 

Are we close enough?

 There is something I must confide

 I think we've lost our touch

 There's no sparkle in those eyes

 

What an awful mess I've made

To Him: My Heart A Letter

He has brown wavy hair, muscular and strong. He has hazel eyes that are almost mismatched, changing colour in the sun or the moonlight upon the star light sky. Kind eyes, almost sad eyes as if he was hiding something underneath, caring eyes, warm eyes; the kind of eyes you would want to remember. He's not the tallest but he's not the shortest either but memorable...everything about him is memorable. His luring eyes, his helium laugh, his gentle smile, his warm embrace as if every single touch, every single word, every single look is as if an electricity surging through your entire body and making you feel more alive. Every time you see him you feel alive but...everyone has their dark side, everyone has a past; a part of themselves that they hide away from everyone but there is always someone that they let in. 

His dark side, luminous yellow eyes, rippled veins a darker bite...who says that he's the only one though? No one knows the black eyes until they see it, no one knows the nightmare afterwards, the fear afterwards as the blood races through your entire body until you rage, wanting to see the thick blood dripping, dripping, dripping as if raindrops on the floor. Rain that's neither sad nor in pain just falling to the ground, as I fall to the ground, weak but at rest as if finally asleep at last. Who but God can see all and judge all after all else has come to it's end, His final word, fading physical life drowning out into souls for it will be their end of time and the start of eternity. 

As eternity is entered I will always remember him...the one who stole my heart and the one who, even until this day will always have it. In my eyes he is not a thief but a lover, a brother and a friend. I would happily give him my heart time and time again...I will happily live this life heartless only to be content that he has it with him. It's almost like a song, a dream that I just don't want to wake up from. Not ever for should this be the last thing I see I want you to know it's enough for me they will always be enough for me and more. Could this be our love eternal?

You look so beautiful in this light

All of the voices surrounding us here 

They just fade out when you take a breathe.

I remember him and his words to me my first letter, within I opened it to words that I never knew until I read them, until I heard their calming voice in my head and I smile. It read:

"I was alone, I was cold, I was hopeless, I had been abandoned and forgotten left to rot in the darkest corners of myself...that was until I met you. I'll still remember the first time that I looked at you properly, inside and out walking down the steps not knowing anyone on our first day except from Elliott and someone caught my eye, someone whose exquisite looks and personality shone out from the crowd so much that it was like finding a gigantic, smooth, perfect, dimond aminsted and rough stones all this in an instant nearly made me break my stride and stop but I had to get closer to this angel so I walked closer and started conversing with you, Elliott and Beth and I just couldn't take my eyes off you, every time that you looked my way I quickly acted as if nothing happened and in the weeks to pass I tested you exposing my darkest feelings but the Angel did not shy away she comforted me... I opened up...and was comforted. You see things that other can't your attention to the small things was and still is unquestionable and you can feel things like no one else can and then you word them into exquisite pieces of art."

A day I will never forget, a day that is dear to my heart; the day when you took my breath away. 

"I was lying down and you were me that massage with those magic hands of your of yours ..oh God you found some good places and then some really good places and it felt like it went on for the entire day and then you asked what was I thinking about which made me feel slightly uneasy and I replied "someone" , at which point you then proceeded to guess who it was which sent my heart into my stomache I knew it was only a matter of time before  you said "me?". When you did I hesitated and wondered if I should what would happen? What would you say? Would I be turned away? Then I admitted it was you that that were on my mind and still on my mind even as I write this and then something remarkable happened and you felt the same way I think I nearly had a heart attack and still after that I was still trying to process it. How could an angel feel like that about me?"

"Inside  I feel al kinds of things about you but you make me feel so much more, I've never been loved the way you love me it's exhilarating sometimes I feel like running at top speed until my legs give out and sometimes I feel like I can fly. Perhaps it's the way that you look at me with those beautiful brown oak- wood eyes when we're sitting together or lying or walking. Just when we're together and your eyes and mine seem to look in place by the others eyes when you at me I feel at home, I feel warm, I feel loved and colours just like deep orange of a new formed star, a new light shining on the darkness...my darkness casting out the shadows, the doubts, the worries. You piratically radiant warmth and kindness and your not judgemental oh how I've waited for someone who isn't judgemental, who doesn't make assumptions based on the shell  the soul manifests who look deeper than word and actions and understands why. There is the way that you touch me gentle and light yet always there stroking me, caressing me always taking the utmost care every time your skin touches mine always waning to be closer. Your my everything, my world, all that I need and all I'll ever need is your not money or food or a house all I need is you by my side, my love for you is as infinite as God is wise my love for you will never bend or wear thin only grow, my love for you is endless, my love for you is eternal." 

That's when the love, the joy, the happiness lost. Darkness got to me, in the love once bound enough to break me. All the while I try to imagine things different, saying if there was another way, if things were different. Now I am cold, alone, abandoned and replaced.

"It's the little things that I hope for, in the time where it seems like the dark is the only thing I got. You may not see this, you may never see this but I hope that you do; speak to me please. Speak before this silence consumes." I said

"You may yell at me, scream at me, shout at me and tell me that I'm wrong 100 times or even more than that but I will not listen. That's right I will not listen to the possibility of there being no hope for you, no happiness because even that is impossible. There is always hope, there is always happiness, sure I'm not the happiest person in the world and even I accept that circumstance but I will not for a second lose hope for someone who is my friend and who I care a lot about, even if the same isn't shown to me because for me that doesn't matter any more. No competition, no hidden agenda that's just it. So I will keep on trying, I will never give up no matter what anyone else says about u to me I will never forget and I will never give up because that's just who I am. No matter how badly I get treated because of it, not matter how much everyone thinks I'm mad or even deluded, obsessive or worse I will always try to show the people that I care about the most that they're amazing, that they are and will always be worth it! There is no need for anger, there is no need for a feud, there is no need for some strategy against it just because u don't understand that someone can care about someone as a friend so much that they won't give up. I will not back down, I will not stay silent and I will not lose hope because I hold onto what little I have, because that's just what I do, that's just who I am even despite my own issues. That for me is what I stand for and u know what I'm proud to do that for any1 of you that are dear to my heart. Believe it!"

Night comes and a I dream, the nightmares get to me first singing:
Stamped on his face, an impression in the dirt.
Do you think the silence makes a good man convert?

We all have our horrors and our demons to fight.
But how can I win, when I'm paralyzed?
They crawl up on my bed, wrap their fingers around my throat.
Is this what I get for the choices that I've made?
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, for everything.
God forgive me, for all my sins. God forgive me, God forgive me.

Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Don't go, I can't do this on my own.
Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night.
I can't live with myself, so stay with me tonight.
Don't go.
Don't go.


I close my eyes, taking a deep breath I reflect on it all with tears flowing down my face. Before it would've hurt to cry and see his face in my mind and in a way it still does...I mean how can I forget the one who I gave my all to? No, I will remember and here I will write..

To he who has my heart,

I think about you and wonder if you ever think about me in the same way to. Sometimes I have fantasies that you'll come back to me an that we'll stray together forever but I suppose that's just a distant dream that may never happen. Despite it all you will always be the last person that I'd want to think of but the first person that always comes to mind. Your my first, my last and my only and if I died today the only thing that I'll want to see is you and then I'll die happy. What do I miss the most? I miss everything about you. I miss your smile, I miss how close we were, I miss the way that you look at me with your beautiful eyes. I miss your kisses, I miss your embrace, your touch always memorable just as you are to me. Above all I miss how you made me feel happy and never alone, you are the only person who has ever made me feel something, the last person that made me feel something and you will always be the one thing that makes me feel again. No one will ever love you more than I love you and I will love you....

If only, if only these words that I say were said, who knows what will become of me and him? If only life didn't get in the way but still I hope and still I pray he will find a way back to me again. So here I stay, here I wait, if an eternity or less here I wait, waiting for you. 

When There Was You and I

Today is the 1st October, tomorrow will be the 2nd October, the day where so much of him is rolled just into a single day. 2nd October was the day that my life began. The strange boy with the hazel eyes, brown curly hair, those eyes that fill you up with a single glance, the hair that he had to flick away from his eyes. I remember the first time that I saw him, we were the last ones to put our names down for what  course that we wanted to be in. He was wearing a grey and dark hood on, I saw that he wrote his name before me on a piece of paper that we had to write our names down for classes and I thought he'd left when I saw him leave but I was wrong. After briefly speaking to the teachers he was still there in the corridor holding the door open. I left the building but then I had the feeling that he was following me because we were going the same way, I panicked and walked really fast until I finally lost him. Before that I remember that he was hanging around me and some others people that I met a lot, I remember telling him a joke of me being a girl and wanting to prove it and how he found that so funny.

The first day back in college I remember well. It was a new course for me, I didn't know anyone but I met Beth and Elliott at first and then the strange boy again from before. I remember going into the a hall for a lecture from some guy with them, I was sitting next to Beth talking about how we both had glasses on, Elliott was sat on the other side of Beth and at the very end was the strange boy. I remember me, Elliott, Beth and another person called Issac all sitting in a cafeteria that was American themed debating with Elliott about how he knew about inappropriate websites through a friend. Back then me and this strange boy were so close but I don't remember any specifics. What I do remember is getting the tour around college and myself, Beth and this strange boy all talking about strange occurrences. I remember the strange boy talking about a dark side of themselves and I remember giving the strange boy a massage and my heart literally skipping a beat when he told me that he was thinking about me to because a day ago from that moment, as he was calming me down I was contemplating an old love and then I thought about him; in tears. Thinking back on it now the flashes of walking to the bus stop with the strange boy, snuggling with them, sitting on their lap, talking to them about my obsessions, his AMAZING hugs but you want to know what I remember the most? It's the moment that he asked me out. He wore his black and red jacket then, a friend of mine called Ash and Beth running to catch the bus but the strange boy stayed behind walking calmly to the bus stop with me. We sat down facing a building, the skies were beautiful. He said that he thinks that he loves me, I said it back and at this point he got all adorably nervous about asking me out so I encouraged him. He asked me out and I said yes and we went to Burger King on a 'date' and he had a bigger burger than I had.I even remember telling him about my dad and how he has strong muscles. That day he was late for his next bus and my sister called to see if I was coming home but at the end of the day it didn't matter because I had him and we had each other back when I was him.

Back when, each night I could only think about him. Back when everything came running to me all in one. I remember it all, every second, every glance, every kiss, every warm embrace that me and this boy shared. For me this was a memory, one sweet memory that I will not forget. They're the one person I can't forget, I won't forget, the one person that means so much to me despite the bad, even their voice is memorable. Thinking about it now I know that I'd do anything for them, be there when they need me to be like I'm supposed to do; like I want to do. At the end of it all time heals, time forgets the bad and brings only the good. Things have changed, life goes on but one thing remains. Hope. So I will remember and so I'll never forget, the strange boy who stole my heart; the one who makes me smile again. 

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

My Notes

Okay, so this is one of my very few attempts at writing something that's actually funny so it's going to be a little vivid (or in this case really vivid) but this whole comedy aspect of things is just an experiment so enjoy!
;) 
There is this couple and the girl in the couple has already gone to the hospital 3 times because she thinks taht something is wrong with her, all 3 times her boyfriend goes with her and all 3 times the doctors say that nothing is wrong with her. On the third visit to the hospital the doctors gave the girl the 'all clear' like both the times before.
"You know all these visits to the hospital is really starting to remind me of the story called The Boy Who Cried Wolf." The boyfriend said. However this comment doesn't seem to put the girlfriend in annoyance.
"Do you want to hear a joke?" The girl asks.
"Yeah sure." The boyfriend replied.
"Have you ever heard of the nursery rhyme Jump It?" The girl asks.
"No, what's that about?" The boyfriend asks.
"It's a funny little story about my fist in your face and you jumping off the next pier that I see the next time you make that comment again!" The girlfriend explained smiling as she said it.

The moral of this story you might ask? Well that's simple, clearly the girlfriend was annoyed.
#whoknew?

 

The Waiting Room

My Notes

Okay, so I decided to do a little experiment in regards to my humour in writing. This could go either way...nevertheless enjoy and please let me know what you guys and girls think!
;)
Well, here goes nothing!

The grey double doors opened and closed, they have done for a while now and in my observations I deduct things about people's life, who they are and why they have come. I saw a man dressed in a suit, a businessman by the way of his walking if not his suited appearance. I saw a man and a women holding hands, a ring on his finger, they were obviously engaged. I saw a man who never spoke but only glared at all, even me, at some point more than once. I saw a pregnant women holding their mother's hand, their assumed husband steadying his supposed wife's back as they entered. The doors opened and they closed again like they had done many a time before . A man stood, middle aged by the look of the wrinkles upon his face but soft wrinkles for he was still young, of the age of 39 maybe but nevertheless still ageing. This man wore a simple brown jacket, grey top, navy blue jeans and white sneakers, like any other but there was something about this man. The way that he stood at the double doors, holding a bottle of water in his hands; water that seemed to have a yellow tint it. I wasn't the only one who noticed this man as he stood gazing around the room, watching all of us, every single one of us and then his eyes came onto a boy that stood staring at him.
"Before you ask..." He told the boy "...this here is apple juice." And with that the man took a sip of his 'water' and walked away. Not a moment earlier the awestruck boy took hold of his mum's arm and shook it in a excitably.
"Mumma! Mumma! That guy just drank his own pee!" The boy told his mum but the mum said nothing, I mean what could she say; after all she was reading a newspaper the whole time!

Thus ends this tale.

Deprived and Deprivation

If only it wasn't this way then maybe things would be different. It didn't have to end this way but somehow it always did without fail it always came down to this she thought looking out at the narrow window, her only communication that she had with the outside world. It had snowed last night and most if not some of the white snow drizzled on the green land of Germany however spotted snow from when the light rain had washed over most of the snow away. It seemed so easy to have most if not some of that snow almost all of it washed away, it's a wonder she thought, if only life were that simple. A tear rolled down her face, the first tear of the day, a tear that I will cherish she thought as the tear fell down her cheek and onto her clasped hands. This was her own isolation this was her own desolation. 

Shadows At Night

It started where it began and it began where it ended, the first moment of the last thought that brought me here, to this, all of this everywhere and anywhere. I dreamed, I lived and in my turn to die I smile as within the blink of an eye I see all the things that was given to me as well as all of the things, in the darkening night, that were lost to me and broke me. I lived them, I cherished them all and as a friend of mine once said 'to die would be an awfully big adventure.'

My logic stands true as to the point I am both with and without any logic at all, isolated from the ways of life and society I am weak and sheltered but in my own way I am strong. For it is strength to be so isolated and bravery to speak to live, to dare associate myself with those that society and life chose to betray, even if I am by myself barely living at all. I survive. I could be exactly what I want to be, more than that in fact but I choose not to. Forced into choice of decisions that cannot be withheld, that cannot be obtained but then they are. In the dawn of the moment I realise what it's like to be something else entirely rather than just being me. I am more of two than I am me and I'm destroyed alone but together myself and I our own destruction. It is that we that dream our own sickening things, think our own sickening things and pained when they're brought out of me, tortured out of my one. I caged us once and I managed to keep it at bay, even though it gnashed it's teeth, clawed, yelled screamed and deceived it stayed in it's cage but then it got free and the only words that it speaks is 'you have no strings on me.'

Now whatever caged it before contained it for a time to therefore define it and all things aside as I lay there trapped in my own torment we are one. The eerie silence before is no more and so many thoughts creep into my mind, thoughts that I couldn't surrender to sanity and in the deepest and darkest parts of the night I find my shadow and suddenly I'm unafraid by what else awaits me. What else could be worse than this? I think to myself and in answer I know that nothing is.

I am but a shadow alone in the dark and what do shadows do? They hide.

The Girl By The River

If I close my eyes can you see me? If I stand there motionless can you feel me? I feel nothing, nothing, nothing of what's hope, deprived,  longing, thriving. The thing is that I really miss you, standing there with an  outstretched hand I feel nothing but the mystic air as I try to reach for a hand that is not there. Reach, reach, reaching out to touch your hand once more, your memorable touch a thing I used to lust a comfort to me now in the cold, dark rain where I stand there hand outstretched towards what would be you, waiting, waiting, waiting for you.

A Growing Pain

THUD, something hit my head and I shut my eyes, winching in the throbbing pain. As my eyes slowly opened my head spun, eyes blurry as if the whole world were spinning all of a sudden. My hands clawed at what I thought was the floor but instead I felt nothing but vacant air. Just then something hit me again, and again, on my back, on my shoulders and I fell to the floor just about holding myself up with my hands on solid ground but kneeling down. My whole body shook with terror, bruised, weak and burning as I was from each and every iron hit. I saw the grey floor, black shoes and trousers from the person standing in front of me, tempted to look up I managed to resit the urge for now gazing back down at the floor once I dared to look higher than his ankle.
"What do you want from me? I asked, slowly chancing a look to the person that stood looming over me. That person was a man and that man was smiling a twisted smile.

 

My Notes

There is no apparent reason for this piece of writing, just another thought that brought me to writing this in a daydream once upon a time, a very vivid daydream but non the less as always please let me know what you guys think! ;)
Until my next post cya!

Remebering

As I close my eyes I tried to remember the air of the ocean filling my lungs with it's saltiness, I tried to remember the colour filled scenery, the golden sand and baby blue ocean, a picture of perfection against the shore. I even tried to remember the pink clouds drifting in the moon light sky. I tried to remember the voice of the ocean echoing it's faintly sweet song as it sighed to and fro across the perfect sand, I tried listening in to the laughter of birds, the joyful cries of the mer below. Standing here grey rain clouds entangled themselves around me and it was cold, the air was dank with the stench of rotting fruit that lay spoiled in the murky grass. One could only dream and remember what was but the truth of this was that this was reality for me now, now matter how much I longed for my better life; a better life...my home. A tear ran down my cheek.
"Remember." A voice told me and that's when I turned to find a tall lean boy with autumn blue eyes and blond messy hair. I knew this boy and now he stood before me, fully dressed, for once, wearing a navy blue blazer, a red scarf which covered whatever top that he wore underneath which would've been visible and black trousers. As per usual he wore cream sandals instead of the ordinary shoe.
"I've tired everything to remember but nothing is working!" I told him with tears filling my eyes.
"Hey..." The boy started to say to me stepping close to me as he pulled me in his arms.
"...everything is going to be okay. I promise." He continued to say pushing me away slightly as his hands touched my cheeks and his thumbs whipped my tears away.
"...but how can you be sure?" I asked gazing up into his eyes.
"Hey it's me and you know me we'll find a way for you to remember again I'm sure of it." The boy said smiling.
"Okay." I said, falling back into his arms again.
"Okay." The boy repeated as he held me in his warm embrace. 

I. Mean. You

I am a servant of God, a person, a girl, a writer a best friend, a close friend and just a friend. I can be a bitch and I can depressing, I can be dirty, I can be rough but I can be lovely, fabulous (afrotastic) loyal, kind and caring. I can get hurt, I can get broken but I get stronger each and every time after... 'It's just nothing but a rough patch' that I have to get through a friend/enemy of mine once said. A lot of the time I don't feel the need to though...and I'm back to drowning again because I can see and I understand those things where visibility seems dim. I can see...

I am like a wild fire, rare and unique, unified by that formation, that is, until it's broken. I am like wildfire I can either be for you or against you but above all I'm as a dagger, deadly and silent. Thinking about it now...no wonder the A Sword Master can't be well associated with the Wielder of Daggers...we're just too deadly as death put together and even more so when only one is taken out! It's a sort of ultimatum that can never ever be resolved...I suppose that's why it hurts so much. To be apart for so long that you actually start to miss them, miss it, miss; missing the feeling of happiness once more.

It never used to be like this and I never wanted it to be this way...

I gasp, awakening from my slumber only to be welcomed by the gloomy darkness. It's still night but I wasn't dreaming...I was just trying to fix things all back together...but it won't, it can't. It's just unstable.

Talking To Myself

It'll be okay,
It'll be okay
It'll be okay
Until morning for through the night I can't sleep tight because everything is messed up and gory. In the end, I find my friend and they hold me until morning.


It'll be okay,
It'll be okay,
It'll be okay this morning.
They won't be in, they can't be in but then I hear a door that opens, in he walks and there I sit paralysed by every emotion.
I can't breath, I can't speak and it's all I can do not to hide away inside.
'I have control over you' he had said and in my state I believe him.
What? I say sire.
What will it be this day?
A back stabbing, inconsiderate laughter, a twist of the knife, a threaded suffice, something else that will make me broken again? Shall I call you a foe or shall I call you  master I do not know.
What say you sire?
What say you now?
You who will never know.

I always go back to them, I feel for them but not in the way as I did...too many burned bridges that will never fixed again. A part of me hopes  but most of me knows that it'll only be denying my feelings if I choose the burned ashes rather than waiting for another who can bring me life. After all you can't break something that is already broken, dimmed for all to see. It's a dangerous life to care; it's an even more dangerous life to care for me.

A Heart In Pieces

I think that the things you have to remember after being with someone for so long that to all of a sudden change from being with that person to being with another person is that they're not the same person, so they're not going to find pleasure in the same things as the person before them. That's the difference and it takes a very long time for you to actually see that enough to remember it, to be intimate without being the one that is thinking 'name used to do that' or 'I wish name was here.' I think above all you'll come to the point where you'll adjust to that and no longer remember that...until the day that you can live with it being more than just a memory but reality also or until you believe in it too little too late.

Sometimes it's going to be hard to explain why things are the way they are because of that special something that you had with them once and because at the end of the day you'll still go back to them, even though it kills you inside, even though you care and even though things will forever be complicated between you and them. They're the last person that you would call when your hurting but then again they're the first person that you'd think of. Someone told me once that it's just one of those things that you can't forget; that I am one of those things that they still really do care about. That someone was them, the one that is the last person I'd think about in emergencies and they're the first person that I'd think of when I'm hurting.

SIlent Tears

It's funny how you can be so nice to someone and then they turn on you and completely forget that you're even there, I think that in the end you just end up not being visible at all, so you try to remember the things that made you visible before the fall. In the end you go from feeling something to feeling noting and clawing yourself to feel again, even if it's just a little pain. These are the silent tears that mark me, the ones that define me. A change in me that unfolded, changing into me only the vessel of a hollow shadow, invisible to the world and even myself.

Solider

My Notes

It's been a while since I've written anything on here, a LOT has happened. Most of which will inspire what I have written and will eventually be published on here for all of you to read. As per usual be prepared for some deep stuff and as always happy reading people!

;)

There is war written chaos everywhere I look, nothing but devastation surrounds me. A man is standing over me, hand outstretched towards me, I reach over towards his hand but I hesitate. I can't trust him...or at least that is what my mind is saying but my body is saying something different because I eventually grasp his hand as he pulls me up from the rain ridden, muddy ground. What have I just done? I'm numb and the surging anguish from my wounds hurts me like hell, all wounds including my own self inflicted ones are pulsing, scarring my entire body. He doesn't know that though...how could he when I haven't even told him? He's a man but then again he's just a boy playing in an adults game of cards, the cards of war and (like all of us) we're the children of war only...I'm not a solider. He hands me a quiver and bow, properly thinking that it'll be of some use to me at some point.

"You'll need these." He states bluntly and I'm once agin reminded of how close it feels as if I'm talking to an unanimated object.  I don't answer, astounded by how he can even in the slightest way compel himself to think that I can even come close to being ready to use these instruments of war and fight ever again. Battered, bruised and broken as I am now. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't ready, that it'll be a very long time until I can ever come close to  being ready to fight ever again only...the words escaped me, like they always seem to be doing these last days of mine. As always I thought, I'm running out of words before even having the time to think it, to feel it, to live it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qQX7OYpR-4

Home

Do you remember where you came from? Where your feet laid first? Do you remember the feel of the earth beneath your feet where you took your first few steps, do you remember how hard the earth felt  when you fell? Do you remember the feel of it when you ran speeding past everyone and anyone as you raced your best friend home? Do you remember?

Do you remember the sound of the air as the ocean's waves carried you upon the safety of the wooden boat that drifted gently upon the water? Do you remember the taste of salted fish and even slated seaweed downed by the  filling taste of coconut water? Do you remember how beautiful the sun looked shinning it's colour filled rays upon the sun kissed ocean? Do  you remember how at peace everything looked when drizzled on by the winter snow in the star light nights? And do you remember how angelic everything looked in the whiteness of a cold winter when the sunrise touched it....well that was something special wasn't it? Do you remember that? Do you remember how you left your home looking back at the red stoned houses, the wooden tree woven huts, the palm leaves swaying in the sun, the golden sand twinkling in the daylight, the seagulls flying in the air? Do you remember the tranquil ocean's waves swaying back and forth. Do you even remember the promise that you made about how you'll go back there, to the place where it all began; back to the place where you came from and that you'll never forget? Do you even remember that?
Do you remember...remember home.

The Hunt And The Hunted

"If you live then I will hunt you down, not a single place will be safe and they'll be nowhere that you can run where I won't find you and hurt you. Then you will die and I'll make you suffer a slow and painful death." The beast snarled.
"If I live then I live and if I die then my death will be my victory." I said, my voice echoing but it wasn't my voice that was speaking it was the voice of God!


Before when the mistake was made and time was set backwards to relive this moment in time almost as if flashes that jolted into the body of one's memory and in a way it did because I was there again, watching it all replay it's self back to me....

"You had one decision; you had one choice!" I shouted.
"...and I made it!" He shouted back at me.
"No you chose pain when I offered you a choice between that, the inevitable and a saving grace!" I explained.
"You had a choice!" I added in a scream, maybe then he'll hear me then.
"I made my decision!" He asked "It's not my fault that you can't deal with it."
"... but you chose the wrong one and I tried to warn you time and time again about what will happen as a consequence but instead of mercy you choice pain!" I continued.
"Speechless?" I asked him, striking a blow right to the core.
"Well you should be." I concluded, when he didn't answer. That's when I left him and I never looked back!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAPzk2xDgaE

What is love?

My Notes

Okay, so this one is mainly consisting of type quotes...you'll see what I mean when you read on (and you will, it's that tempting) and now you're already wondering what comes next aren't you? Well read on and you'll find out, that is my only advice to you!
;)

I saw a guy  from amongst the crowd of people, he was searching for something; for someone.I could tell as I watched him relentlessly trying to find that something; that someone...little did they know....little did they understand...but few know most of the meanings of life. I am one of those few, a watcher of the Wall, the edge of life as we know it...for everything has a purpose in this life, a cycle in which we all grasp tightly to. Hope and love. It is for that matter, of love, that I tell this tale of lessons learnt; lessons that I've learnt even at a young age as I am.

 This is the lesson:

"You don't find love it is love that finds you. Sure we try to look for it but it's love that chooses us just as much as we chose and acknowledge love, it's a choice to believe and hope in love. Oh love, is the purest of things when you find it! That kind of love waits and it endures, that's what love is. You love them for who and what they are, for all of them, everything about them, the good, the bad; all of it because that's what you do when you love someone truly, deeply enough to the extent that you're willing to take that leap of faith and to trust in love. For  you will look back but then you forget the past and look further than you have done ever before with that love. Then you become willing to embrace all of them and you do not let go, not even for a second of careful re-examination analysis or even consideration because in the end you endure for as long as that love will take you. It's unconditional. That, my friend, is love, all of it, the very essence of it. That is what everyone looks for but only few find."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJTXDCh2YiA

My Valentine: How They Are The Reason

This time the start is the ending and I call it, no I dedicate this one to him. This one's for him! And so I will begin as I ended all around and henceforth from this point of where it all began, the point of no return....

I fell in love twice in this life, the first time it was in adoration and awe towards someone who could never be mine but despite that fact I'd hope and pray that I'd have enough courage to tell him how I felt; how I had always felt for him then. However it was never to be and like how all things must end so did this in the form of 'other things that go in the way'. Time pulled us apart until the only thing that was left were the fond memories of my passible hopes and dreams of the day that could've been when I finally told him that I'd loved him. Still I'd hope and pray that God would bring us back together, that I would get more time with him in a crossed path in this life... That love I had to let go but as if a scar it still has an embedment of fond memories in my mind, soul and in my heart. Sometimes, from what I've learnt that is, it's better not to let them know.


After that I never thought that I would love another again but then I did. The main thing that shocked me and caused me to be at awe with this love was how they saw me in a way that no one else did. This love actually loved me back, me and no one else, even the thought  of it made my heart skip a beat. Breathless, I was breathless indeed! No one ever saw me, no one ever wanted me and no one ever loved me like he did (literally no one ever paid me a second thought). They were the other half of me, a dependency, a friend and a lover, a comforter and a strength. Together I felt safe with him holding me, stepping out of my comfort zone more and more,  love exhaling within weeks until all we could ever do was think about what awaited us in the future together, side by side and whole. Each and everyday with him was a oh so sweet dream, one that I never wanted to up from...but then it ended and I fell hard to the ground because of it. I wake up. My love for him surpassed all of that and with my feelings for them that surpassed all idea of love, it was love. This love left me with unexplained questions and answers, intentions, confusion and pain; oh so much pain. He left me with words, understanding and misunderstandings, belief, distance, changing, embarrassment and after that a rebound. I can't deny that I hurt him to with a betrayal but only at the point of trying to keep  surviving! Now I watch him everyday in worry because I still care, despite the harsh words and actions that are intended at me whether it be purposed consciously or subconsciously it still is. So I live now awake, remembering and putting myself out there for one who I fear I've lost completely but what can I do? I live by a saying and that is to keep my promises so when I promised that I would stay with him I kept my promise, I was loyal, even when he broke it because that's what you do when you love someone that much I've learnt that sometimes it's better to be the one who gets denied then to be the one who denies another.



Everyone  keeps on telling me that I need to get angry with what they done to me and in a way I am,  but I'm trying to understand ; I'm still trying to understand; I'm still trying to protect him. He has caused me so much pain but he has caused me so much joy even still, I'm not angry, I'm just confused but one thing remains the same and that is despite all this I still love him and that won't ever just go away, not for a while now and to be brutally honest I wouldn't want that love for him to go away. I will remain unbroken in my love for him and I will remain the peacemaker trying to make the peace of it all for as long as I can survive all the knives that are being thrown at me. That is my strength, that is my bravery, that is my love!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7hKXYSoyQI

Sun Rays and Starlight

My Notes

 This one is for him!

I sat upon the very top of the swing watching the birds as they went by, watching the sunset rise and the evening sky a blur of diverse colours, all but everything but beautiful, reading the clouds and the sweet song like messages that were to me meant something (and still do). Resting both of my hands I held tightly onto the frozen iron that held the swing all together and I looked own, the wind beating on my chest as if to push me down but I never fell, my body too atuned to these type of circumstances to be bothered by it. Panic rose in me, reminding me of my fear of heights and falling onto the rough solid ground, so much so that my face throbbed as I gazed down below me, looking at how my feet hung a long way off the comfort and safety of the ground. I looked up. Relief took me then, taking all the panic away from me then and there in that moment I was lost in a founded joy that beckoned me. Memories of better days, a tear fell down my cheek, not a sorrow filled one but one that I would cherish, causing me to venture into the sight of it; the memory. I was there then. I remember this place, me and him used to come here when we were kids (even though we're both still kids as we all are in a way). We used to watch the skies together, reading them, counting the stars, just sitting and waiting on eternity to come on a day we knew not when so we waited. Sitting there in each other's company, his arm wrapped behind me we saw the world differently than all the rest, we saw every single Light that He put on this earth, we felt every single sense that there was and we thrived.

It's cold today, a brisk wind as cold as ice swaying  through the air but come night or day, rain or snow  I would always find a way back to this place, our special place. Everything is so much clearer here, everything that much simpler.
"Abigail." A voice called out from behind me and I had only but to turn my head ever so slightly to see that it was my sister who'd come out to see me. They looked cold, so was I once when I first came out here but I'd been outside for a whole that you don't actually feel the cold anymore but the warmth of the unseen Light that was reigning down over me. Fortunately only I saw and felt that Light and so would he to if he was here but he was elsewhere, venturing out there in the world I suppose but he'll be back; he always came back.
"Just a minute." I answered before climbing carefully off the swing, taking their hand as they left me through the dark, towards the beacon of artificial Light inside the  house. We reached the door and that's when I took that moment to turn back to towards the glorious Light breaking through the night's sky. Turning back I squinted and entered back into the house, back to the choas of it all but no matter what I'll always remember that Light and it will not be forgotten, not ever for until the end of time I will always remember that Light...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjGvBpgrwb8&index=6&list=PLIICrnu6aFdcWV8NJzy1AVzBGt-cMCU-e

A Divided Hope

Where I'm from we have a saying, I know not where part of my home that it comes from, I know not even who said it only that it is this:

There was this wall, a girl was on the other side of the wall and a boy on the other side of a that same wall, a partition that separated them both from each other.
"I love you my love, my dearest, my sweet." The girl called out to him in her native tongue.
"I love you my love, my darling your my everything, your my all!" The boy replied in English because he couldn't speak in the girl's native tongue.
"I miss you my darling, I wish that you were here." The girl called out to him once more in her tongue.
"I miss you more my love, I think of you everyday." The boy replied, again in English because he didn't speak her tongue.
"Come find me my love, tear this wall down before it breaks." The girl called out to him once more in her tongue.
"Oh I will." The boy replied in English because he couldn't speak her native tongue.
""I will." The girl called out to him in her native tongue crying out with joy as he pushed but behind that wall she pulled and was put even further away. He pushed and she pulled, all the while she sang to him as he pushed and played.
"Come to me my love, come to me." The girl called to him in her native tongue. Little did the boy know that the girl behind the wall was actually saying pull me closer  my love for this wall is crushing me to my death, oh how the word crushed the word crushes me. The boy didn't understand what the girl was saying, he said sweet things but when she needed him the most to prove that he loved her he pulled away. It was hope alone that made her to survive and it was the hope alone that killed her because he didn't hope enough to save her and thus it ended all in a Divided Hope.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaMq2nn5ac0&index=2&list=FLIu3v6DuA-sB8Y66RPJ7bpQ

The Definition of Justice

"Nobody has the right to judge but they do, it's when they do, it's when they do it to someone that they barely even know that is injustice, it's the  imposition, wasted negative energy towards a single person without a just cause that's injustice. Where I come from if someone has done something or even said something or both that offends or even insults someone, thereby causing offence, the reason of annoyance and a well used negative vibe is tolerant and understood but if however non of these things have been taken into effect then it's therefore inexcusable to tolerate such a reception as that. Why should you? Still the hatred is there and for no reason at all! Love thy neighbour as one's self we get taught from such an early age but what power does it have? It has much power and thus revenge and vengeance is introduced because the most piercing thing that would hurt your enemies would be to be nice to them and believe me it works because I tried it once in my desperation but that is another tale all in it's self. It's the understanding that hurts the most, when  you can clearly understand and not just that but feel the predicament that another has to hate viciously and  yet even that is not without it's solution. So why have I offended? If I have offended tell me the reason one has offended and let us make amends, put aside the wasted energy or hate and replace it with love. If not a reason to hate me then why hate? Is it because of what the eye can see or the walls that we all put up to protect  the  ones that we love and ourselves for that matter? We all do it for love and it's only understandable to second guess, question or even analyse in suspicion  those that knock at the door to enter in. I'm not asking for much just a chance worth the chance to do exactly as you asked for; to 'get to know you to'. God knows my purpose and if I do offend take it up with Him, my Father and He will tell you exactly the same thing for reason of my intentions. If these hands have offended, if I have done wrong and if this mouth has thus offended thee I am sorry." I said but they said nothing for they knew what to say but stand and watch me.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzU26jUnE7k