The Fever

There are times when I feel myself falling further and further from sanity, whereas other times I just wonder if all of this was nothing but a bad dream that I'll wake up from. I hope that's the case at least but it almost always ends up in some terrible nightmare that I'll never wake up from. I'm a screw loose, everyone knows that or at least so I lead myself into believing. It's these times of insanity that I envision myself chained up, mouth covered so I can speak no harmful nonsense to anyone within hearing distance. I'm afraid and that image, well nothing scares me more.

You cannot exist in two worlds, you've had a feverish dream I could hear someone telling me but it was all in my head and as I stretched I shivered uncontrollably for a moment. I thought and the heavy gut filled feeling that followed. Something terrible is going to happen today; I can feel it and as always there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

Diesel, my dad had always smelt like diesel the last that I had known of him. I remembered hating that stench because with his wondering eyes my head spun, ached and the next thing that I knew the contents of my previous meal was more apparent that it had ever been usually. Just recently this year I have been able to pick up scents of people even when they're not in the room. Does it have anything to do with my dreams; sight and feelings of things that aren't seen to the naked eyes I do not know. In my time I have only had the opportunity to get the scent of my lover, a lover of the past and three more admirers. I've been able to tell so far that everyone's scent apart from my lover's scent are similar although a past lover's scent and one of the admirers are more distinctive, as if somehow acid rain had poured down on powdered spices, mixing it with mud to create their scent. Sometimes, like now it makes me wonder what it all means.

Over the weekend I done some soul searching and I said it how it is as they say to all the people who I have fucked up with or those who have done me wrong. I figured it'll be enough but sometimes I have a feeling that it won't, that there is still more for me to do but what else is there? I didn't want the sins of my past to follow me into next year. What next is there  for me? What other sins do I have to watch out for? What more is there? It's the what if, the not knowing that just runs round and round my head, making me dizzy, making me not think. Again I put on the gag, again I put on the silent mask of misery. "I'm always here for you" people say but will they understand? How can they when they cannot see? I cannot breathe, trapped in my own sway of nausea.

When everything breaks inside my head and the agitated images seem to flicker abruptly, giving me distorted visions of horrors I cannot even begin to explain to anyone. 


                        This is the Fever, this is the end to begin the beginning.