My Valentine: How They Are The Reason

This time the start is the ending and I call it, no I dedicate this one to him. This one's for him! And so I will begin as I ended all around and henceforth from this point of where it all began, the point of no return....

I fell in love twice in this life, the first time it was in adoration and awe towards someone who could never be mine but despite that fact I'd hope and pray that I'd have enough courage to tell him how I felt; how I had always felt for him then. However it was never to be and like how all things must end so did this in the form of 'other things that go in the way'. Time pulled us apart until the only thing that was left were the fond memories of my passible hopes and dreams of the day that could've been when I finally told him that I'd loved him. Still I'd hope and pray that God would bring us back together, that I would get more time with him in a crossed path in this life... That love I had to let go but as if a scar it still has an embedment of fond memories in my mind, soul and in my heart. Sometimes, from what I've learnt that is, it's better not to let them know.


After that I never thought that I would love another again but then I did. The main thing that shocked me and caused me to be at awe with this love was how they saw me in a way that no one else did. This love actually loved me back, me and no one else, even the thought  of it made my heart skip a beat. Breathless, I was breathless indeed! No one ever saw me, no one ever wanted me and no one ever loved me like he did (literally no one ever paid me a second thought). They were the other half of me, a dependency, a friend and a lover, a comforter and a strength. Together I felt safe with him holding me, stepping out of my comfort zone more and more,  love exhaling within weeks until all we could ever do was think about what awaited us in the future together, side by side and whole. Each and everyday with him was a oh so sweet dream, one that I never wanted to up from...but then it ended and I fell hard to the ground because of it. I wake up. My love for him surpassed all of that and with my feelings for them that surpassed all idea of love, it was love. This love left me with unexplained questions and answers, intentions, confusion and pain; oh so much pain. He left me with words, understanding and misunderstandings, belief, distance, changing, embarrassment and after that a rebound. I can't deny that I hurt him to with a betrayal but only at the point of trying to keep  surviving! Now I watch him everyday in worry because I still care, despite the harsh words and actions that are intended at me whether it be purposed consciously or subconsciously it still is. So I live now awake, remembering and putting myself out there for one who I fear I've lost completely but what can I do? I live by a saying and that is to keep my promises so when I promised that I would stay with him I kept my promise, I was loyal, even when he broke it because that's what you do when you love someone that much I've learnt that sometimes it's better to be the one who gets denied then to be the one who denies another.



Everyone  keeps on telling me that I need to get angry with what they done to me and in a way I am,  but I'm trying to understand ; I'm still trying to understand; I'm still trying to protect him. He has caused me so much pain but he has caused me so much joy even still, I'm not angry, I'm just confused but one thing remains the same and that is despite all this I still love him and that won't ever just go away, not for a while now and to be brutally honest I wouldn't want that love for him to go away. I will remain unbroken in my love for him and I will remain the peacemaker trying to make the peace of it all for as long as I can survive all the knives that are being thrown at me. That is my strength, that is my bravery, that is my love!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7hKXYSoyQI